I’m setting out to provide training and resources for teams, leaders, businesses, educational institutions of all levels, faith communities, and any organisation wrestling with the best ways to navigate diversity in the workforce. Over the next month, I’ll be offering free introductory webinars for a small group to test out the content and make sure I provide relevant information for different contexts.

Next availability can be found here: https://calendly.com/phil-duncalfe/intro-to-cultural-intelligence.

If you want to be the first to find out when future sessions become available, subscribe below! Paid subscribers will also receive discounts off future webinars and access to slide decks and recordings even if they cannot attend sessions.

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I hope to see you soon!

I’ve been delivering seminars on Cultural Intelligence (CQ) and cross-cultural interactions for 8 years and in many of them I highlight the fact that when you are navigating different cultures, conflict is going to happen. It isn’t really a case of ‘if’, but of ‘when’. While I still think this is true, I came across a post by another writer and researcher on culture reflecting on conflict where she writes,

“Whether a conflict exists at all is a cultural question. In an interview conducted in Canada, an elderly Chinese man indicated he had experienced no conflict at all for the previous 40 years. Among the possible reasons for his denial was a cultural preference to see the world through lenses of harmony rather than conflict, as encouraged by his Confucian upbringing. Labeling (sic.) some of our interactions as conflicts and analyzing (sic.) them into smaller component parts is a distinctly Western approach that may obscure other aspects of relationships.” 1

The ability to handle conflict is hindered if we don’t recognise culture as a major factor in our relationships - even when we are interacting with those who seem to have a similar cultural background.

In their book Smart Conflict2, Louise van Haarst and Alice Driscoll provide the 5-R Model of Smart Conflict (see figure below). The first ‘R’ being Reflection. As part of reflection, they highlight culture as a significant part of both the causes of a conflict and a key to understanding your default response. When we rely on default behaviours we can easily make the problem worse.

Our genetics, family, gender, upbringing/education, and communities we find ourselves in (all with their own cultural influences), all play a part in how we recognise and seek to resolve (or ignore!) conflict. If you want to be more effective in handling conflict then having the awareness to step back from a difficult moment to give time to reflect is a great first step. However, reflection shouldn’t be left to the moment conflict happens, building in a habit of reflection helps with developing emotional intelligence as well as cultural intelligence!

Take a moment to think about how you handle conflict.

• Do you prefer to communicate directly so that everyone knows exactly how you feel?

• Are you more inclined to avoid conflict, especially with those in authority positions so that all parties can save face?

• Have you witnessed any conflicts that were handled well?

• How do you handle disagreement?

These questions are just example starting points. Driscoll and van Haarst offer resources in their book for self-reflection as well as more detail on default conflict styles. You can also get in touch with me if you’d like some coaching on navigating conflict or cultural intelligence.

Further reflection may be need when it comes to the cultural aspects of a conflict. Reading through the previous posts on Cultural Intelligence may be helpful in highlighting different communication preferences.

As an example of where culture can cause conflict, think of someone with a High Context preference interacting with someone with a Low Context preference. Someone with high context will be more likely to be indirect in their verbal communication, avoiding confrontational or blunt language and relying on non-verbal cues as much as verbal ones. A low context preference tends to be more direct, valuing verbal clarity even if its difficult to hear. To the high context person, directness can be seen as rude or offensive and damaging to the relationship. To the low context person, indirectness can be seen as avoiding confrontation and may amplify misunderstanding due to an emphasis on non-verbal cues.

Revisiting the domains of culture as shown by Hofstede or Meyer highlights the various spectrums that people find themselves on, and when two different parts of any spectrum interact, there is a higher likelihood of a clash.

Being aware of your own cultural preferences is the start to recognising that other people have different ways of operating. Awareness of difference is one part of Cultural Intelligence and fits under the CQ Knowledge, but it takes more than just knowledge to navigate a conflict - we need CQ Strategy and CQ Action.

Working through the framework that Louise van Haarst and Alice Driscoll provide in their book, is helpful for navigating cross-cultural difference, just as much as a conflict situation. In this case, it will help us with moving from CQ Knowledge to Strategy and Action.

1. Relationship - the relationship is what lies under all the other aspects of the model and without it as the focus, the rest of the model falls apart. Our ability to build rapport with those around us will help provide the safety and goodwill that makes navigating conflict a bit less daunting. The authors highlight psychologist Carl Rogers’ three core conditions for personal growth and I think they are key to developing better cross-cultural relationships too:

   1. Unconditional Positive Regards - accepting people without judgement

   2. Empathy - understanding and reflecting their feelings

   3. Congruence (or Genuineness) - being authentic rather than distant or impersonal.

   If these three conditions are a part of how we engage with others, then we are laying the foundations for graciousness and goodwill that make hard conversations a little bit easier as people know you care for and about them, not just for what they can do for you.

2. Pause/Reflect - Check if the issue is due to your own preferences, cultural or otherwise. Hold back judgement that what has happened is right/wrong, and aim to remain curious. This allows you to ask questions to understand rather than make statements to “correct” the other person. Beyond your cultural awareness, this part also relies on your emotional self awareness.

3. Regulation - There is a lot of overlap between CQ and EQ. Regulation is making sure the emotional reaction to something that has offended you isn’t what drives your response in the conflict. I write more on this here:

4. Readiness - Once you’ve gone through the first two steps, you may find that you don’t need to say anything at all. You can see the interaction is more about your response than the other person’s behaviour and so you can decide to adapt your own behaviour rather than plan out a conversation. As Haarst and Driscoll note, there are also times where avoiding an outright conflict may be beneficial to all as no matter what you say, there will be no beneficial outcome. They provide two questions to ask yourself:

   1. What am I trying to achieve by having this conversation?

   2. Is my goal in having this conversation in service of something beyond myself and my own personal dissatisfaction?

   Readiness requires further reflection which goes beyond the scope of this post but is all about overcoming personal barriers to managing the conflict such as anxiety and a framework for handling difficult conversations. It is also helpful to review your default communication style both in terms of directness and in terms of how you provide negative feedback (which differs across cultures!). See more in the post below:

5. Response - This part of the framework overlaps with what has already been said but there is an emphasis on safety both in terms of physical and psychological safety. If the other person is not open to a difficult conversation and responds overly physically, emotionally, or manipulatively, it is best to have an exit strategy. There are times where you removing yourself from a situation is the right response.

   Conflict is difficult and often emotions come in to play when trying to work through actions and behaviours that have caused offence. Having a plan for how you might respond, including offering breaks to take a breather if emotions get to high, planning to remain curious rather than judgemental, and to keep the reason for the conversation that goes beyond your own personal issues that was made clear in step 3 at the forefront of your mind, if not written down.

6. Repair - As you might realise, each of these steps require more time and detail than I’m giving in this post. I highly recommend the book, Smart Conflict, and I’ll be digging further into conflict resolution and repair myself on this blog in due course. Repair does not mean a smoothing over and ignoring the past but a recognition the conflict or difficulty happened and learning from it. It also requires what relationship researchers Dr. John and Dr Julie Gottman call “bids for repair” - moments that highlight a desire to reconnect or friendship. It takes time for repair to happen and the Gottmans’ research suggests it takes up to 5 bids for repair for every time a relationship is ruptured. A rupture may not be a full-on conflict, but it highlights the importance of kindness and reconnection after a conflict to avoid further damage to a relationship.

   As with all the other parts of this framework, recognition of culture is still important. Two questions to reflect on where your cultural brackground might be showing up:

   1. Are you leaning hard on what you default to in terms of showing warmth and communicating friendliness?

   2. Does the person you are trying to repair the relationship with need something different to what you assume?

Handling conflict well is a massive topic, however I hope the frameworks and ideas shared here provide an introduction into how culture influences the causes of, and the responses to, conflict. The vast majority of people I come across are wary of confrontation. Because we are relational beings, conflict is common and avoidance can often make it worse. However, by engaging with reflective practices, learning to develop our emotional and cultural intelligence, we can learn to navigate conflict in a way that improves the quality of our relationships and makes the most of the diversity around us.

If you’ve enjoyed this exploration on culture and conflict, subscribe to keep in the loop as I continue to write on culture and coaching.

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One of the more significant moments in my life was a major issue within a leadership team I was part of. It was a moment that I’ve reflected on (some might say ruminated) and tried to squeeze as much learning from as possible. I learnt through this time that I tend to take on board the discussion and process it beyond the meeting - I find I remember people’s exact words and phrases, and at this particular time sent in a reasoned response with other options after meetings. I’m certain my fellow leaders didn’t operate in the same way and expected conclusions made in meetings to remain concluded.

I believe having space for input after important decisions are discussed is an excellent team strategy, not just because it helps people like me, but because it also allows for a diversity of thought. We don’t often reflect on the the way in which we make decisions, much of it feels like personal preference or intuition, but whether we realise it or not, our decision making is influenced by the culture we find ourselves in.

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Over the last few months I’ve been digging deeper into Cultural Intelligence and the different frameworks and paradigms for understanding and engaging with cultural difference. I’m currently working through some of Erin Meyer’s dimensions which have been developed for businesses and teams to work more effectively with diverse cultural backgrounds.

How a culture recognises leadership is often interlinked with how a culture decides - but not always! As Erin discusses in her book, America tends towards an egalitarian model of leadership with open-door policies and first name basis, but often operate with top-down decision making. The boss makes the decision and everyone gets on with carrying it out. Germany on the other hand is often more hierarchical in leadership structure, formal titles between boss and subordinate, and yet often decisions are made in a more consensus-building manner. These two countries, and a handful of others, seem to be exceptions to a general rule that hierarchical leadership tends towards top-down decision making, and egalitarian leadership tends towards consensus.

It is important to remember that this is a discussion of trends within country cultures and not a blanket rule. The difficulty with working across culture is that culture has various levels and an organisational culture may differ from a national culture, especially when an organisation operates internationally or has a culturally diverse leadership.

Recognising a cultural trend however can help us start to recognise influences on our own personal preferences. Where do you find yourself on the scale below? Is it similar or different from your national culture? If you aren’t sure, try a short cultural profile tool hosted by Harvard Business Review: click me

Erin Meyer’s work has made recognising and working with cultural difference accessible in her book, The Culture Map, but the danger of its accessibility is that it doesn’t explore other factors affecting decisions beyond highlighting a general trend between leadership style and decision making.

Geert Hofstede, whose research and cultural dimensions Erin has clearly built on, was a dutch psychologist who pioneered cultural research. His six dimensions of Individualism, Power Distance, Masculinity, Uncertainty Avoidance, Long Term Orientation, and Indulgence are all relevant to the decision making process. This is explored in further detail by Amala Ayyar on the UCL student blog if you are interested to dig in a bit more.

A very brief summary is that where you sit in each dimension impacts how you make a decision. It will also impact how you respond to others making a decision:

• Do you expect to defer to a boss or elder?

• Do you expect to be able to influence decisions in an organisation, even in a lower level role?

• Do you expect decisions to be made with long term impact being considered, do you accept or avoid risk?

Recognising how you make decisions and the various influences from the culture[s] you’ve been raised in is just the beginning. You now have knowledge. The next part is deciding how to plan and act in ways that recognise that others will approach decisions differently from you.

Some initial strategies are shared by Erin Meyer in her book and on her blog:

If you find yourself working with a team more familiar with consensual decision-making, try applying the following strategies:

1) Expect the decision-making process to take longer and involve more meetings and correspondence
2) Be patient, even when opinions diverge
3) Check in with your counterparts regularly to show your commitment
4) Cultivate informal contacts within the team to monitor the progress of decision-making
5) Resist the temptation to push for a quick decision

On the other hand, if you are working with a group of people who favour a more individualist approach to decision-making, these techniques might be useful:

1) Expect decisions to be made by one person (often the boss) with less discussion
2) Be ready to follow a decision that does not include your input
3) If you are in charge, solicit input but strive to make decisions quickly
4) When the group is divided, suggest a vote
5) Remain flexible, decisions are rarely set in stone

Patience, humility, and curiosity are the foundational skills of Cultural Intelligence. If you are new to a team or organisation, take time to ask questions, don’t judge processes as right or wrong, and be open to doing things differently - you might be surprised at how effective they end up being.

If you currently work in a cross-cultural environment and would like to explore how coaching may be of benefit to you in improving cultural intelligence then please get in touch.

“Coaching is unlocking a person’s potential to maximise their own performance, helping them to learn, rather than teaching them.”

Coaches do not lead or set the agenda, they simply ask questions the coachee can’t or are reluctant to ask themselves.

The following graphic highlights the differences between coaching, mentoring, counselling, and consulting and how it fits into providing support for people. Coaching provides a particular support that focuses on solving problems set by a client. This is done by drawing solutions from the client. This is contrasted with mentoring where the client needs to be given information from someone with more experience to help them find a solution.

If you are seeking a mindset shift, a behavioural change, improvement in performance, or support in decision making, or just a place to think, then coaching could well be something that will help you.

If you are seeking advice from someone more experienced, then you need a mentor or supervisor. In some circumstances there may be some overlap, and it may be that in discussion this overlap can be part of the contract between coach and client.

If you are seeking to review the past and include some therapy, then coaching is not the right course of action and I’d recommend looking at counselling.

What is required of a coachee?

You will get the most out of a coaching session if you are open to change and engage with the content of the sessions.

You are willing to try new ways of learning, be truthful, keep to your commitments and inform your coach immediately when things are not working for you.

You are willing to explore, challenge and change thoughts, feelings and actions if you feel it will be beneficial for you.

I do my best to make the coaching space, be it online or in-person, a safe place to be vulnerable by holding everything confidentially in line with best safeguarding practice (I only share information externally if I’m concerned about yours or someone else’s wellbeing). All of this will be discussed in the first session, regularly referred to in the coaching space as the chemistry session.

How do I get started?

If you are interested in being coached or have more questions, please get in touch. Or, if you would like to just get started, book in a personal coaching session with me by using the link below.

Paid subscribers to this Substack get a 10% discount on coaching sessions with a code that is shared with you once subscription is confirmed.

Several international friends who live in the UK responded saying that while they recognised that it was meant satirically, it is an accurate portrayal of British humour that either they currently found difficult or took a long time to get used to. “Why can’t the Brits just say what they mean?”

It isn’t just the Brits who make use of context, subtlety, sarcasm, and double entendre in conversation. So how can we know when to take things literally? That, is where cultural intelligence comes in.

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Over the last few weeks I’ve been digging a bit deeper into Cultural Intelligence. My colleagues and I run cultural intelligence workshops for University of Surrey staff and I want to make sure we’re engaging with up to date ideas and research. You can find all the posts for cultural intelligence and start from the beginning here: click me

As I’ve highlighted in the previous posts, Cultural Intelligence (CQ) is understood to be made up of four capabilities, Drive, Knowledge, Strategy, and Action. It is impossible to know all of the subtleties and variations of communication in all cultures across the globe so specific cultural knowledge will only get you so far. It will be helpful if you are visiting only one part of a country, but less so if you work in a team or organisation made up of many cultures. The knowledge that is helpful in these instances is a more general understanding of the spectrum that cultures fall within. CQ Strategy is also needed for adapting your behaviour and communication to better communicate with those around you.

As discussed in the last post, Erin Meyer (author of The Culture Map) highlighted several dimensions of culture and several could have been labelled “Communication". In future posts we’ll look at the more foundational ideas that Erin Meyer built from (see Hofstede) but for now we’ll use her model. In her model she highlights the dimension of Feedback which has a spectrum of Direct vs Indirect Negative Feedback. While “feedback” may limit thinking to moments where you are being reviewed for the quality of your work, this can be expanded to more general moments of disagreement, responding to another person’s behaviour, or responding to an invitation or request.

As we start to explore this spectrum, reflect on the following questions:

If the likelihood you can tell someone explicitly that they are “wrong” or “no”, then you are more likely to lean to a more direct means of feedback. If age doesn’t change this, then you are more likely in an egalitarian1, low context2 culture. If you find that you are likely to soften the feedback (“I wonder if we might look at some other options?”), and age does affect your response further, then you are more likely leaning to a high-context, hierarchical culture that prioritises indirect communication.

Having reflected on your own responses to the two questions above, think about others in your workplace, friendship circles, or family and how they might respond. If you aren’t sure how they’d respond, ask them. Have a conversation exploring how their cultural background might influence their preferences.

Direct communicators often prioritise the “plain” meaning of words and see double-meaning or adapting to context as confusing at best or deceptive at worst. Assumptions are dangerous and silence shouldn’t last for long. To a direct communicator, communication is for information sharing and getting things done. Honesty and truth are values that must be upheld no matter if it affects someone’s feelings (see “facts don’t care about your feelings”). Trust is built through words and actions matching, so if a direct communicator hears “I’d like to be there” as a response to a party invitation, then they are very likely to be disappointed when the person doesn’t show.

Indirect communicators prioritise relationship over the plain meaning of words. The purpose of communication is for harmony, saving face, and avoiding conflict. Due to the prioritising of relationship, truth and honesty are secondary, even to the extent that one might aim to say what is expected of them, not what they actually think. Where truth might hurt, it must be softened to avoid humiliation and allow the other person to save face. The context of the communication is important and this often requires shared assumptions. In cultures where indirect communication is prevalent, it tends to be difficult for outsiders to feel connected until the subtleties of communication are understood.

As you can see, if you have two people at opposite ends of the spectrum of communicating, it is going to take some self awareness and translating, and quite possibly some conflict or offence before there is a close relationship. Context and directness both have an impact on how people build trust, make decisions, persuade others, and their understanding of leadership.

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There is an added complication to this paradigm in that directness can change in a single culture depending on the context. In the UK there is a general understanding that words used have a plain meaning, however, as can be seen in the table above this just isn’t the case and both indirect cultures and more direct culture find the UK culture difficult to adjust to. This is particularly the case when it comes to humour and feedback. Sarcasm and irony are commonly used as humour and remarks such as “that’s brave” actually mean something ranging from “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” to “you’re insane thinking that is a good idea”.

What I have noticed, both being from the UK and in interactions with international students is that most of us who are brought up in an indirect culture do have some built-in checks to find meaning. In the UK, “Not that bad” can be an understatement for not wanting to boost someone’s ego, or it could be softening feedback so as not to hurt feelings for something that really needs improvement. A common check is if you are given feedback on a presentation that, “its not that bad”, you might respond with “do you mean its not bad as in its decent or its rubbish?”3

For a comedic exploration of the British culture on “not too bad”, Bill Bailey gives a good rendition:

Whether you are a direct or indirect communicator, navigating conversations and feedback with those on other parts of the spectrum can be quite a challenge. Here are a few things to consider that can help you develop your cultural intelligence:

• One rule that Erin Meyer offers in "The Culture Map” is “Don’t try to do it like them” when it comes to being direct. Even in cultures that tend to be more direct, it is possible to be too direct! If you need to give feedback and are not wanting to get it wrong, it is recommended to find someone who can help interpret what you need to say in a culturally appropriate way.

• If a cultural interpreter isn’t available then start by reflecting on your own expectations with feedback and why you deliver it in a certain way. When you then give feedback, a brief explanation of why you are structuring it in the way you are can help pre-empt misunderstanding.

• Asking questions of the person you are interacting with as to their expectations and what they find helpful when it comes to negative/constructive feedback also will help navigate culture clashes.

Developing cultural intelligence takes time and a lot of listening but the benefits are worth it4. In future posts I’ll be exploring how culture impacts views of leadership and decision making, and more. For now, I’ll conclude this post with my favourite quote from Erin Meyer’s book adapted for this post:

The [culturally intelligent person] learns how to adapt - to alter [their] behaviour a bit, to practice humility, to test the waters before speaking up, to assume goodwill on the part of others, and to invest time and energy in building good relationships.5

I am a coach working with people as they navigate cultural and life transitions.

For more about me click here.

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Here are my conclusions so far…

Reaching a goal means we need to build habits that move us towards achieving it. This isn’t just starting new ones but recognising and redirecting our attention from bad ones. Habits = repetition. Habits may seem boring but they are the building blocks that help us move toward the goal.

While running, challenges are often linked to physical ability and the environment. In life, challenge comes from the natural resistance to good habits (sugar tastes good right?) but also from life i.e. everyday responsibilities, caring for others etc. We may also have limitations, physical, mentally, or emotionally, that hinder our progress.

What about resting? I find that coaching regularly has the tone of “do more”, “be better”, and “don’t stop” and rest gets sidelined. Rest is also often confused with laziness. Plan in rest and plan what that rest looks like. Rest gives time for reflection and reflection helps us see where we are heading accurately rather than just hoping for the best.

Good habits, challenging yourself, and planned rest and reflection are the building blocks of getting you to where you want to be.

I did miss something important in my reflection so far - I had a companion (see pic) keeping me going...

Goals, habits, rest - all feel more achievable when you aren’t doing it on your own.

In my coaching I aim to balance the drive to achieve, fix, and be better, with the benefits of rest, recovery, and reflection. You can’t keep moving forward if there is literally nothing left in the tank.

• What is a goal you’re aiming for?

• What are your habits that will help you get there?

• How are you building in rest?

Want to explore this in a coaching session? Click here.

“Why don’t they get it?! I made it crystal clear!”

The irony of communication is that meaning in conversation is just as dependant on the hearer, as it is on the speaker. When what we think has been a clear instruction or piece of feedback turns out to have been ignored or misunderstood, we often default to questioning the other person’s intelligence. An emotionally and culturally intelligent person pauses judgement and asks the question, “how did they understand what I said?”

While it is true that some people just don’t understand, are selective in what instructions or points they pay attention to, and others may lack intelligence. However, I find relationships tend to be a lot less difficult when I assume good will and start with recognising that what I meant and what has been understood are two different things. This is true even when working with someone from a similar cultural background; when cultural and language difference is involved, the issues are amplified.

In the last two posts I introduced CQ (Cultural Intelligence), and the four capabilities of CQ - Drive, Knowledge, Strategy, and Action. This and the next posts will fall within the knowledge, strategy, and action aspects of CQ. Drive is all about your curiosity and how energised you are in working with and learning about different cultures - similar to whether you are introverted or extroverted. “Knowledge” is recognising differences and similarities between cultures, “Strategy” is about understanding their impact and planning accordingly as well as reflecting after interactions that cross cultures, and “Action” is the ability to interact in the moment - adapting behaviour and language accordingly.

An often cited theory by Albert Mehrabian states communication is 55% body language, 38% tone, and 7% words. This theory has been rightly critiqued, particularly that the percentage shifts between contexts as well as between languages and cultures. However, the idea that body language and tone change what is being communicated is correct, the issue is that different cultures will read said tone and body movement differently!

Other forms of communication, such as feedback or conflict, are also impacted, or made more complicated by culture. One person’s honest feedback is deemed insulting and dishonouring or another person’s “praise-sandwich” to ease the delivery of criticism is seen as dishonest and fluffy.

Where we need to be careful moving forward is that while some cultures tend towards certain forms of communication, individuals from or within a culture have their own personality. This means that we cannot assume that just because we know a person’s cultural background, we will immediately know how they communicate. Working with people just isn’t that simple and as already stated, CQ starts with curiosity.

We need to be asking questions to learn what is being expected of us. We also need to develop our self-awareness so that we can communicate our own expectations and the reasons for doing things in certain ways.

All this to say, communication becomes far more interesting when navigating cultural difference. So where do we start?

Communication is a broad term and it will need more than one post to get into the different aspects of it. Erin Meyer, in her book Culture Map, recognises 8 cultural domains that impact interactions. I’d suggest that while she has a domain that is “communication”, 5 of the 8 domains can fall under the label of communication. Culture impacts our feedback, the way we trust, how we persuade, how we make decisions, and how we navigate conflict. While I won’t create a post for each of these areas (you can read Erin’s book!), I do think it is important to recognise how much we assume when we think we’ve been communicating clearly!

The remainder of this post will be to explore what Erin Meyer calls the “communication domain”. Communicating is broken down to what is known as low-context and high-context.

Low-context cultures emphasise the meaning of words said and put less weight on setting, tone and body language though the latter two still play a part. If you have ever heard the phrase “mean what you say, say what you mean” as an idea of integrity or expectation for communicating, then you are hearing an idea that is culturally flat. It is assuming a low-context culture where all emphasis is put on the words being said. In low-context cultures, If it hasn’t been said, it isn’t important - little can be left to assumptions.

High-context on the other hand is where situation, social status, tone, and body language are vital for understanding. Even what hasn’t been said has meaning. High context cultures tend to prioritise relationship building and trust over information sharing and task completion. This isn’t to say information or task is less important in a high context culture, simply the latter two cannot be done well without the relationship and trust being prioritised.

This has obvious implications for navigating cross-cultural situations. As Country Navigator puts it, “To someone from a high context culture, low context communicators can seem impersonal, distant or untrustworthy. Vice versa, high context communicators could be seen as intrusive or even impolite.”

Where do you locate yourself culturally when it comes to high or low context?1

• What is more important - the meaning of words or the context in which you heard them?

• Do you find silence in a conversation awkward or meaningful?

• Do you prioritise getting straight to business or getting know your team mates more before the task gets done?

• Do you take someone literally when someone they say “I’m fine” or do you listen for tone and body language ?

This is obviously not a detailed survey but if you leant towards the second option in every question (or most of them) then you are leaning towards High Context, vice versa for the first option.

You can take a more detailed quiz to find your context here: https://studies.labinthewild.org/highlow/

Recognising that some people prioritise relationship over task and are not always going to “say what they mean” - at least not as explicitly as you might be used to helps to move us from culturally ignorant to culturally aware. It helps us move to asking questions rather than labelling something as wrong. It may not remove the challenge of navigating misunderstanding, but avoiding a moral judgement helps us engage with the challenge rather than being offended or creating further difficulty down the road.

Have you had experience of interactions between contexts?

What issues arose and how did you handle them? I’d love to hear your experience and thoughts.

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In following posts I’ll be exploring how High and Low context can impact other areas of communication. Subscribe to get these posts in your inbox.

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If you currently work in a cross-cultural environment and would like to explore how coaching may be of benefit to you in improving cultural intelligence then please get in touch.

I am certain that most of you reading this will have at some point heard that diversity will bring all sorts of benefits to a team. Often this is said uncritically, assuming that everyone can recognise a diverse team will be a better team than a homogenous one. There is research to back up the idea that diversity can bring a productive and financial gain, but without cultural intelligence, diversity can be a hindrance.

A team that is more homogenous can move more quickly in terms of decision making and task completion. Similar assumptions, values, and culture mean that what is said, heard, and done amongst the team are all filtered in a similar way by all members. Conflict may happen in a homogenous team but when it does, it is handled in a way that all expect without further damage caused.

However, a truly homogenous team doesn’t exist. Individuals are unique in their different preferences and we all have experienced a variety of sub-cultures that have left their imprints on us - be it familial, organisational, religious, or regional cultures. Cultural Intelligence (CQ from here on out) helps us navigate any kind of diversity. Diversity does bring complexity and takes time to navigate, but it also brings a multitude of benefits when it is recognised and the appropriate skills are developed.

When you start exploring CQ, David Livermore is a name that comes up as a prominent voice, author and researcher. In his book, Leading With Cultural Intelligence, he shares a framework for CQ that provides a deeper understanding of what CQ is and why it not only helps those who work cross culturally, but can be of benefit for all relationships. Incidentally, I believe that working on developing your CQ will also develop your EQ (emotional intelligence).

Livermore offers four capabilities of CQ - Drive, Knowledge, Strategy, and Action1. All are interlinked and each can either reinforce or undermine the others.

• CQ Drive is the level of motivation, interest, enjoyment, and confidence we have for cross cultural interaction.

• CQ Knowledge is our awareness and understanding of the ways in the similarities and differences of cultures.

• CQ Strategy is our ability to plan ahead, recognising where a culture will affect a situation or interaction, awareness of our own cultural norms and how that might be perceived and an ability to review whether our experience in the interaction was what was expected.

• CQ Action is the ability to tailor our words, body language, and actions to communicate well across cultures.

In my first post on CQ, I talk about curiosity being the foundational skill of CQ - the ability to withhold judgement, practice humility, ask questions, seek out answers2, and be wary of assumptions. This is what CQ Drive is and when CQ Drive is low, the other capabilities become difficult or stunted. At worst, our knowledge becomes limited to just our experience rather than a desire to continue to learn from and about others and their perspective. We are less likely to plan ahead for, be self aware during, or reflect on cross cultural interactions. Our action is more likely to be based on habit or avoiding the cross cultural interaction altogether.

We all encounter diversity, even just through personality difference, so before reading any more of this series on CQ, take a moment to reflect on your CQ Drive. CQ Drive is said to have three sub domains:

• Intrinsic interest—how much we enjoy cross cultural interactions

• Extrinsic interest—the benefits that come from cross cultural interactions

• Self-efficacy—confidence that we can navigate cross cultural interactions

1. What’s one tangible benefit you’ve already experienced from cross-cultural interactions, even if small?

2. On a scale of 1–10, how genuinely curious are you about people whose cultural background is very different from your own — where 1 is 'I find it draining or uncomfortable' and 10 is 'I actively seek it out and find it energising'?

3. On a scale of 1–10, how confident do you feel that you can function effectively when you're in an unfamiliar cultural setting — where 1 is 'I feel out of my depth and want to retreat' and 10 is 'I trust myself to navigate it even when I make mistakes'?

4. What’s one thing you will do that would move you one point higher in each of those 2 scales?

If you are unsure how to move up on the first two scales, it can be as simple as initiating a conversation with someone with a different background from you and seeking just to understand a bit more about them. Take time to reflect on your own cultural formation and how it differs from people around you. You could also watch a movie/read a book set in a different culture - preferably made by people in/from that same culture - and keep an eye on similarities and differences around communication, decisions, and anything else you can spot.

It may be that this and the last post has piqued your curiosity and you’d like to make use of this series to boost your CQ Drive! If that is the case, why not hit subscribe so you are notified when the next post is out.

The next few posts will be exploring the remaining capabilities in more detail, along with cultural impact on communication, relational dynamics, individual vs. group responsibility, handling cultural conflict, and more.

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If you currently work in a cross-cultural environment and would like to explore how coaching may be of benefit to you in improving cultural intelligence then please get in touch.

The visiting researcher was finding life with her landlady increasingly difficult. There was a lack of clear body language as to how the landlady felt about her, she thought they were friendly when she moved in, but now she wasn’t sure. “Please”, “thank you”, and “sorry “ was said so frequently they seemed insincere. Her own communication didn’t seem to be received in the ways she intended and she began to realise that she was inadvertently offending her landlady and couldn’t figure out why.

Fortunately the researcher and the landlady were aware and mature enough to recognise the issue before it spiralled further. They met together to discuss what was happening. The researcher was living in the UK, visiting from India, and the landlady was English. They started talking about how they were impacted by the other’s behaviour. It turned out that the English landlady was missing the body language from the Indian researcher, movements and physical touch, that, when understood, showed connection, agreement, politeness, and gratitude. The Indian researcher however was not used to the verbal manners common to the English where even inanimate objects get an apology when they are bumped into. I was fortunate to hear back from the Indian researcher about this meeting and it was a big learning moment for me, recognising both how culture impacts communication, and the skill of holding off judgement to seek clarity.

As part of my role with Friends International, I deliver seminars for staff and students on navigating cultural differences well. I thought I’d share some of the different topics that we cover over the next few blog posts. Despite spending most of my childhood in Papua New Guinea, working with students from most countries of the world over the last 8 years, and regularly delivering cultural workshops to university staff and students I don't consider myself an expert on culture. However, I do have some experience to share from. Over the next few posts I’ll be sharing some of what I’ve learned. I also aim to go a bit deeper than I can usually go in an hour seminar.

What is culture?

My “go to” definitions of culture are:

1. culture is what is normal to us

2. it is the set of lenses through which we view the world,

3. it is the outworking of our worldview1.

There are many different levels of culture, from family culture, to local culture, to national culture, organisational culture, and even to global regions such as “western culture”. What often comes to mind with regards to culture is that it is defined by what is obvious or seen. The Cultural Iceberg model below shows that this is only a fraction of what culture is. When thinking of another culture, we think of their festivals, traditional dress, languages, food, and games. However, under the surface there is a lot more detail to a culture that requires time, effort, and curiosity to explore.

Talking about culture can sometimes lead to unhelpful stereotypes. A framework that my colleagues and I find helpful, and has been received well in seminars, is to recognise the difference between cultural norms, and cultural stereotypes.

Cultural norms reflect how people in a group actually behave, and they help maintain social order within that group. These are the practices or behaviours that are regularly observed in a culture i.e. “in Japan, bowing is a common greeting”.

Cultural stereotypes reflect how people outside (or sometimes inside) a group perceive that group, often inaccurately. This tends to stem from bias or prejudice where behaviours are exaggerated or generalised i.e. “all people from x are y”.

What is Cultural Intelligence?

An official definition of Cultural Intelligence, or CQ is, “an individual’s capacity to function and manage effectively in culturally diverse settings”.2

I have found that skills in CQ are linked with Emotional Intelligence (EQ) in that it has aspects of self reflection and awareness, requires self management when engaging with different ideas and beliefs that may raise emotional responses, and utilises empathy and social awareness. CQ is a skill that goes beyond awareness of other cultures to being able to navigate relationships that cross cultural boundaries.

Recognising cultural difference can often raise a reaction in people who think their way of doing things is the “right” way or the “only” way of doing things or thinking about things. Different ways of thinking about God, time, death, marriage, or any number of things can lead to discomfort as long-held beliefs are often challenged in a multi-cultural environment. CQ helps us navigate this discomfort in a way that builds relationships.

There are multiple aspects of culture and CQ skills that I’ll cover over the next few blog posts but I believe the foundational skill for developing CQ is to practice curiosity. Part of curiosity is the ability to pause judgement, as modelled by the researcher and her landlady, even when offended by another person’s behaviour. I think curiosity is closely linked with humility as both help us recognise that how we do things and what we believe about reality is, for a significant part, a product of the environments we grew up in. Humility does not rush to make a moral judgement on whether the difference is right or wrong, good or bad. It helps us move towards building bridges rather than putting up barriers by seeing difference as something to learn from rather than a threat.

Duane Elmer3 offers the model above as a means of showing how a strategy of a humble attitude and an approach that seeks to learn from and accept difference, can lead to much healthier relational outcomes. Culture clash will happen, so reflecting on your response and approach to someone who has a different view of the world to you is a good starting point.

The following posts in this CQ series will cover the cultural impact on communication, relational dynamics, individual vs. group responsibility, handling cultural conflict, and more. If this is of interest to you, why not hit subscribe and follow along over the next few weeks.

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If you currently work in a cross-cultural environment and would like to explore how coaching may be of benefit to you in improving cultural intelligence then please get in touch.

When was the last time you truly stopped?

When did you last take 5 minutes, put every screen out of the way, turned off anything that alerted you to something happening, and just stayed still - taking deep breaths, letting your mind wander, reflecting on the feelings and emotions you’re experiencing…?

You’d think it would be easy to do but I’m terrible at it! While I’ve known it is beneficial to me for years, its something I’m only now trying to put in to practice a little bit more regularly. I know I’m not the only one who struggles to be still, nor the only one who has recognised the benefits of it later on in life!

Over the past few months my colleagues and I have been reflecting on ancient Christian practices like silence, solitude, and fasting, shared within a book and course by John Mark Comer called Practicing the Way. These practices find their roots in Judaism and similar practices can be found across most major faiths. A large part of my experience as a Christian has been in what is known as non-denominational churches - churches that generally look at ritual and tradition with skepticism. In the non-denominational world I was part of, these practices are seen as good but they are generally seen as unnecessary. I’ve come to recognise there is something powerful in being part of something so much bigger than me - a practice going back millennia that for millions of people has connected them in a meaningful way to God.

These moments of reflection with my colleagues have been significant times of reframing the importance of these practices. Whether you are a person of faith or not, there are benefits from these practices that can apply to everyone.

The simple act of silence, taking time to focus on your breathing, and getting some silence from all of the notifications has a load of cognitive and physiological benefits. From improving cognitive function and clarity, lowering heart rate and blood pressure, and reducing stress and anxiety.1 After reflecting over the last few weeks on Emotional Intelligence, the practice of stillness is also a great starting point for self awareness and self management. For some reason, even though on the face of it silence and stillness are both simple and beneficial - I don’t find it easy to put into practice!

For me, and I think others who share my faith or come from a faith tradition that practices these things, there is a bigger connection in these practices that link in to purpose and meaning. I’m finding there is something profound in participating in these practices within a community of friends, but also in joining in something that the Christian community has practiced since Christ modelled it 2000 years ago. This may not be an outcome that everyone gains from stillness, but I do think it provides space for reflecting on where meaning and purpose are found in your life.

So here is the challenge, and I’m doing it too, put in 5 minutes each day for the next week to be still. Not sleeping, no phone or devices, no notifications - including your watch, no music (or soft music if necessary due to distractions/noises around you). As you sit in the silence, I find it helps to focus on your breathing - try inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, and exhale for 6, and then repeat. Longer out-breaths are shown to be particularly helpful for regulation of stress and emotion2.

When the time is up, take an extra minute to reflect on how you felt before and after the stillness. What emotions came up for you during the stillness? Did anything come into focus or priorities become more clear? Was there any deeper sense of meaning and purpose that you’ve noticed through this practice? What other beneficial habits could be paired with this one?

Share

Resources

• Michael Hyatt, author and blogger with a focus on leadership and personal development: https://fullfocus.co/the-practice-of-stillness/

• John Mark Comer, Practicing the Way

• Breathing exercises from Calm

I’m currently training to be a coach and am offering free coaching sessions to build up my hours for qualification. If you’d like to explore how coaching might be helpful to you, check out this article. Otherwise, if you’re interested in being coached, feel free to get in touch!

Relationships are a necessity of life. Through childhood and school, at least in the UK, children are taught taking turns, offered correctives when behaviour goes against the rules, and potentially have some lessons on relationships and wellbeing. Some children take these lessons to heart and are adept at social skills and interacting with others. Having good social skills, both that of social awareness and relationship management, often go hand in hand with academic success1. It might be stating the obvious, but poor relationship management impacts a person’s future, not just in terms of isolation and poor relationships, but also in terms of career prospects.

I’m currently exploring four elements of Emotional Intelligence (EI for short but also known as EQ) and how we can develop our EI to improve both our wellbeing and our relationships. While there is some research to suggest that there is a percentage of people who may be unable to develop their EI for various reasons, I’ll be aiming this series at the majority of people who have some emotional awareness and an ability to build on that foundation.

EI as defined by Daniel Goleman is said to comprise of Self Awareness, Self Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management. Goleman defines Relationship Management as the ability to effectively build relationships, communicate, and work with others.

Good relationship management builds on the skills of self awareness - how well you know yourself and how others perceive you, self management - being able to recognise and regulate your own emotions, and social awareness - being able to gauge your environment and recognise the emotions, needs and perspectives of others. Without these other aspects of emotional intelligence, relationship management is hindered.

The Basics of Relationship Management

Books, podcasts, movies… in fact every art form explores relationships. The complexity of human connection is far beyond the scope of this little blog post! However there are some basics to human connection that can provide a foundation to building relationships that are at least positive, and, if given enough time, go beyond chit chat.

One of the foundational elements of any relationship is trust, and, this comes with some risk and a sense of vulnerability. As Brené Brown puts it, to have real connection we have to let ourselves be seen - really seen.

If you’ve not watched Brené Brown talk about vulnerability or read any of her books on the subject then take 20 minutes to watch the video below and it will be more valuable then anything else I write in this post.

Learn to see others as people who have dignity and are worth your time - even when it seems like they’re providing evidence to the contrary. Relationship building takes time but will founder right at the start if you are trying to rush through every conversation or not giving your full attention to the person in front of you.

This leads to the skill of listening - or as is now a popular term - actively listening. Put that phone down. Be curious as to what the person in front of you is saying, how they are feeling, their body language, and their tone. Ask questions to clarify what they mean, don’t just listen to respond or tell them what you think. Don’t rush into advising or offering up your own story. See the person in front of you as someone who can learn from.

Humility is another foundational element of relationship management. Humility is not about hiding yourself or self-deprecation just as vulnerability isn’t about oversharing or not having personal boundaries. Humility, especially in relationship management, is recognising that you are not the only person in the conversation. You might have what you think is good advice, or a related story that is even better than what you’ve just heard, but humility is recognising when saying something is for your benefit rather than for the benefit of the other person. Unsolicited advice, no matter how well intentioned, is rarely received well! One-upping another person’s story generally makes you look like a jerk. Humility is recognising that you can learn from anyone, even those you might have a position of authority over.

What about conflict?

While relationships require vulnerability, it is not without risk. All healthy relationships will have conflict at some point. In fact, a relationship without conflict is unlikely to be one that is built on trust, humility, and vulnerability and is more likely to be hiding anger, resentment, and defensiveness.

Conflict isn’t the issue, how we deal with conflict is. The Gottman Institute is an excellent resource for developing relationship management, both for work and for intimate relationships. Their 6 steps2 for navigating conflict are very helpful and highlight the importance of trust, humility, and vulnerability as the foundation for healthy conflict:

1. Practice physiological self-soothing - allow yourselves to take a 20 minute break when things get too heated, breathe deeply, go for a walk... do whatever it takes to help you regulate your emotions.

2. Use a softened startup - don’t blame, be specific about the issue and the impact, go back to step one if you aren’t ale to speak gently.

3. Repair and de-escalate - this isn’t a fight you want to win, but a relationship you want to keep. Seek to understand and be understood. Keep to the specific issue and its impact. Take responsibility and say I’m sorry as soon as possible.

4. Listen to your partner’s underlying feelings and dreams

5. Accept influence - a key sign of humility is not needing to be right all the time and learning to learn form the other person.

6. Compromise - “Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something… the important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored in your dreams.” Dr Gottman

Another blog post will be needed for navigating conflict. I’ll be writing one in future as I’m currently reading “Smart Conflict” by Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst - see link below in Other Resources.

Tools to develop relationship management

Andi Roberts, an executive coach who I connected with online and has far more experience training and coaching others in EI, has shared eight tools for developing relationship management. Each one can be found on his blog with detailed ideas of how to go about each one and case studies but I’ll summarise four of them here:

• Relationship Audit - Reflect on your key relationships that impact your life and work and review, how connected you are, whether the relationship is healthy or strained, and decide on small steps that can be taken in a short time frame to in one of these relationships that help repair or strengthen them.

• Check In - when was the last time you just picked up the phone or dropped in on someone with no agenda but just to show they matter to you? Little connections go a long way.

• Honesty lite - Recognising something has gone awry or caused emotion doesn’t have to get into a full-blown conflict. A little bit of honesty without oversharing can go a long way in defusing something that could blow up in the future. It also expresses vulnerability and gives an opportunity for deeper connection. E.g: “The feedback you gave felt overly critical and made me frustrated as I’m now not clear on what is expected and I want to do this well.”

• Micro Acknowledgements - Find moments in your day to simple appreciate or encourage people around you. Do not expect anything in return, but aim to be specific and direct in what you are appreciating the person for.

Conclusion

Relationships require effort and presence to be healthy. Some people are lucky to be naturally able to maintain relationships and they do a lot of what has been discussed without much thought or effort. However most of us know of one or two relationships in our lives that could do with some investment, and hopefully this post provides some resources to do that. It may be that you’ve never particularly reflected on how you show up to relationships, and so it might be more helpful to spend some more time working on your self awareness and or self management.

Developing Emotional Intelligence is a lifelong learning journey and cannot be mastered in a day, but there is good evidence to suggest that the vast majority of people can develop EI if they are willing to spend time on it.

As I’ve said in each post, far more can, and has been written on Emotional Intelligence and I’m sure I’ll be blogging on it more here too in future. I hope these articles have been helpful to you and that you are able to make the most of the resources shared.

Other Resources:

• How to Trust and Be Trusted by Rachel Botsman

• Smart Conflict by Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst

I’m currently training to be a coach. If you’re curious about what coaching is or you’re interested in being coached by me, please do get in touch.

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Hello and thanks for all who have recently subscribed to my blog. If you weren’t expecting an update from my work with Friends International and would rather not receive them, you can update your preferences to just receive either my blog posts and/or Friends International updates at the bottom of this email. I aim to for these emails to be monthly though at present they are every couple/few months. They include information about what I’m doing with FI, prayer requests, and financial support needs.

If you’d like to receive short and semi-regular (every other week or so) updates, I have just set up a WhatsApp Broadcast list. Let me know if you’d like to be added to it.

So with all that said here is what is happening…

The picture above is from last night’s welcome party. The University of Surrey has two intakes for masters students and due to the second intake being February, the vast majority, if not 100% of the 500+ new students, are international. Approximately 200 turned up to the offer of free pizza. Some of the countries represented last night included Djibouti, India, Mauritius, Senegal, Tunisia, Bangladesh, Turkey, Algeria, Morocco, and Iran to name a few. I shared a bit about what we do for students, they ate pizza, they chatted to each other and to our volunteers, and they went home well fed and happy.

Over the next few weeks we are offering a trip to Lewes to explore a historic town and a walk on the South Downs if weather allows. We have men-only and women-only events, the latter being a particularly well attended community and the former gaining momentum as a newly established group in the past few months. We usually offer a local walk but the weather recently has meant we’ve delayed until March to offer that. We have a meal and talk event in a local home for a handful of students interested in discussing faith.

A big focus for the next 6 weeks is the Life Leadership Course that I organise and deliver with a faithful group of volunteers each year (last year’s group below). Starting next Tuesday the course starts with the concept of leadership as influence and the choice we have as to whether that influence adds value to others or not. It then introduces ideas of servant leadership, humility, responding from values rather than reacting with instinct, strengthening relationships, and building resilience.

The course isn’t explicitly evangelistic but the principles do have a foundation in the Christian faith. Each time we run the course students have been vulnerable, sharing their faith, culture, and values in such a way that it makes this course a privilege to run each year. It does make the 6 weeks feel very busy due to the prep and late evening but it has always been worthwhile. For those of you who pray, I’d appreciate your prayers for me as I deliver the content and our volunteers as they share their experience and for the course generally that it would be a space of peace, learning, and friendship.

My coaching course keeps me busy as well with deadlines for a knowledge test and a portfolio submission hitting at the same time as the welcome week. I have had some really positive feedback from my coachees and I’m over halfway for the hours needed for assessment.

In more personal news, January flew by with two big events - one being Rosalie’s 10th(!) birthday and the other being a trip up to Scotland with Lucy to visit her sister. Rosalie enjoyed a lunch with friends and family and then she had a few days in Centerparcs with her mum and family. While she was away, I was able to spend the week up in Scotland. Fortunately we managed to get a couple of days of good weather to explore Edinburgh, Stirling, and a walk up Conic Hill overlooking Loch Lomond. I’ve not spent much time in Scotland and its made me want to get back up there in my van to explore some proper mountains! It was also a lovely time meeting Lucy’s sister and family.

Rosalie is doing well though it is proving to be a bit of a battle to get new medication for her seizures following an appointment with a specialist in mid-January. Please pray that this would be sorted soon and that the proposed medication would have an impact on shortening the episodes along with making them less intense. For the most part she is enjoying school, charming everyone who meets her, and continues to have the best laugh. She is also getting better at telling us what she wants from looking at the appropriate pictures/symbols we offer her as choices (look up “PECS” if you’re interested in how this works).

Life does continue to have its challenges but these days I find they remind me to be grateful for the people that God has put into my life who encourage, challenge (helpfully), and walk with me as I navigate them. So thank you all for your continued encouragement, prayers, and support - it not only keeps me going personally, it quite literally keeps me in my job.

Until next update,

Phil

Every time I have delivered a seminar on cultural intelligence, I have learned something from the cultures in the audience. One such learning point was on a simple bullet point of ideas that help us navigate new cultures - the bullet point was “Smile, it is a universal expression of friendliness”. When it came to questions and feedback at the end of the session, someone corrected me - in Russia, a smile from a stranger can actually be met with suspicion1. Recognising and understanding another person’s emotions in a multi-cultural environment isn’t as straight forward as we might think. How we interact with others to understand their perspective, their emotions, and why they act the way they do, is a key part of Emotional Intelligence.

I’m currently exploring four elements of Emotional Intelligence (EI for short but also known as EQ) and how we can develop our EI to improve both our wellbeing and our relationships. While there is some research to suggest that there is a percentage of people who may be unable to develop their EI for various reasons, I’ll be aiming this series at the majority of people who have some emotional awareness and an ability to build on that foundation.

EI as defined by Daniel Goleman is said to comprise of Self Awareness, Self Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management. Daniel Goleman defines Social Awareness as the ability to gauge your environment and understand the emotions, needs, and perspectives of others. A major aspect of this is Empathy and as I dug into empathy it covered much of the other aspects of social awareness. Being aware of others, their verbal and body language, and being able to recognise and listen to another perspective, are all aspects of empathy. More can be discussed beyond empathy but I’ll limit the scope of this post for the sake of brevity.

What is Empathy?

Empathy is the ability to understand and appreciate another person’s feelings and experience.2 Empathy is often broken up into sub categories which are not necessarily interlinked. A person can be strong in one aspect of empathy but weak in another3.

Affective Empathy is the ability to share an emotional experience with someone. It is commonly thought that people with autism struggle with empathy, there are studies to show that they do feel affective empathy but have less cognitive empathy (see footnote 2). There is also a darker side to affective empathy in that too much of it can impact our own mental health4 when we take on the pain and distress of the person we are empathising with.

Cognitive Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s experience. We can recognise what the other person is feeling and relate to it. This often helps us humanise the other and reduces interpersonal aggression. Psychopaths are said to have cognitive empathy but limited affective empathy if any at all, the opposite of people with autism5.

Compassionate Empathy is the ability to act appropriately on the feelings of the other two aspects of empathy to help alleviate suffering6. Just because one feels with or understands the other person’s emotions and perspective, this does not necessitate action.

The Benefits of Empathy

All aspects of empathy help us connect with others as it lowers people’s defences. When empathy is shown, people recognise they are being heard, understood, and are no longer isolated. There are studies that show that empathy in caring roles improves the health of those in care or being treated. Having empathy also lowers burnout in medical professionals7 though this must be balanced with becoming too attached and the negative aspects of affective empathy.

Just as empathy helps the other person, it is also a marker for a healthier sense of self. A lack of empathy or misuse of empathy may lead to relational breakdown but can also be the sign of personality disorders such as psychopathy and narcism.

Healthy Empathy in Coaching

Many of us who go into coaching do so because we are hoping to be able to help and empower other people. While coaching isn’t therapy, there are therapeutic aspects to coaching as one works through life situations that often have significant emotions attached to them. It can be very easy to take on the emotion of the person you are coaching and inadvertently make judgements or affirm limiting emotions which can then hinder the effectiveness of the session. This is where coaching as a non-judgemental and non-directive practice is helpful.

Psychology Today highlight this open, non-judgemental awareness as “non-reactive empathy” making use of a definition by Richard J. Davidson and Sharon Begley in their book The Emotional Life of Your Brain.

“[non-reactive empathy]… is the capacity to remain receptive to whatever might pass into your thoughts, view, hearing or feeling and to do so in a non-critical way.”8

A coach is not there to fix, or judge, a coachee’s emotions but to point them out and give the coachee the agency to decide how to respond.

I was recently coaching a fellow apprentice and I immediately mirrored their sense of humour and banter, much of which was self-deprecating. While this kind of empathy would have been a great way to start a friendship, in the coaching session it meant that I didn’t appropriately challenge them on how they (and I!) used humour to avoid certain topics and emotions. Fortunately this was an observed session and the feedback helpfully pointed out that my affective empathy was helpful at building trust and rapport but too much of it ended up limiting my ability to coach well in that session.

Developing Empathy

Healthy empathy connects directly to the skills of self awareness and self management. We need to be aware of our judgement, our taking on too much of another’s emotional distress, and take time to reflect on where we might not be as empathetic was we could be. We also need to be aware of things like “countertransference” where past relationships or emotional situations shape how we view the person we are interacting with.

Our empathy also increases or decreases based on how we feel on the day and our health more generally. Basic things like sleep and hunger can significantly impact our ability to empathise with someone else.

Empathy can decrease or increase simply on how familiar or “like us” we find someone. Dehumanising or “othering” will decrease our ability to empathise. Therefore one way to develop empathy is learning to listen to those who are different and looking for ways to better understand their perspective.

Further ways to develop empathy are:

• practicing humility

• Taking time to understand the emotions of the other person

• practicing non-judgement and active listening

• avoiding the desire to fix the person or the problem when an issue is being discussed

• learning to ask for and receive feedback without being defensive

• learning about body language and reading emotions - but be careful to do this with the understanding that this can often be cultural!

• learning to listen to people from different backgrounds, beliefs, and viewpoints without “correcting” them but seeking to “put yourself in their shoes”

Take time for reflection

Empathy, like Self Awareness and Self Management, requires time and self reflection. It requires humility to learn from others and get feedback on how they perceive you. You may think you are empathetic, but is that the experience of those around you? How do you know?

It may be that the first step you take to developing empathy (or any of the EI skills) is simply building in a time each week for self-reflection.

Next time you come across an issue that a colleague, friend, or family member is facing, try to avoid jumping in with advice and instead, ask yourself these questions:

“What might this situation feel like from their perspective?”
Encourages perspective-taking (cognitive empathy) rather than judgment.

“What experiences or pressures could be shaping their response right now?”
Shifts focus from behaviour to underlying context and influences (affective empathy).

“What do they need most from me in this moment?”
Moves empathy into practical, supportive action (compassionate empathy).

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If you are interested in exploring EI and how we can learn and develop EI over the next few weeks then why not hit subscribe. You’ll get each article in your inbox - usually 9am on a Friday morning. A paid subscription will also get you a complimentary coaching session as well as support what I do. Get in touch if you’d like to know more!

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Resources

• Can you have too much empathy?

• How Empathy Works and How to Improve it by Psychiatry & Psychotherapy Podcast:

• Related Posts:

This morning was one of those mornings. If traffic to and from my daughter’s school was normal I had 15 minutes spare before a work call… but traffic was not normal.

Multiple accidents, getting caught behind a driver doing 20mph in a 30 zone, roadworks causing diversions, roadworks blocking roundabouts, hitting every red light on the route, and to top it off, a car towing a van at 5mph… My heart rate increased and a few frustrated noises were made.

It was halfway through the return journey that I finally clocked that the heightened heart rate and feeling of frustration was under my control but I was letting it control me.

I had told myself the story that I was entitled to get to where I need to be in the time I needed to get there without anyone else in the world impacting my journey.

As soon as I decided to not believe that story and take a few deep breaths, I could laugh at the last few red traffic lights and accept that I’d just have to be a bit late. I also thought that it was an appropriate time to put into practice what I’d been writing about in this post!

Over the next few weeks I’m exploring four elements of Emotional Intelligence (EI for short but also known as EQ) and how we can develop our EI to improve both our wellbeing and our relationships. While there is some research to suggest that there is a percentage of people who may be unable to develop their EI for various reasons, I’ll be aiming this series at the majority of people who have some emotional awareness and an ability to build on that foundation.

EI is said to comprise of Self Awareness, Self Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management. I’ll define each one in turn, highlight the research behind its importance, and then provide a few resources and activities that are designed to develop the skill. If you’ve missed either of the previous posts, then you can click each topic above to go to the relevant post.

The more I’m digging into EI, the more I’m realising there are multiple frameworks1 and more detailed breakdowns of the various elements of EI. Some resources that test for EI may well provide other competencies beyond the scope of this series, but they show that there is much more to cover in future! For now, the four domains as defined by Daniel Goleman (see introduction on EI for his breakdown) will be the focus of this series of posts.

What is Self Management?

Self Management, in the sense it was defined by Daniel Goleman, is about the control or regulation of emotions and avoiding “hijack” of the brain by overwhelming thoughts or feelings such as frustration2. Self Awareness enables Self Management as it helps you recognise what you are feeling in the moment and is the ability to label accurately each emotion and recognise how this is impacting behaviours and decisions.

Beyond the regulation of emotions, Self Management also includes discipline in actions. What we do and how we behave can impact our emotions, be it positively or negatively, as we’ll explore in a moment.

There are many myths3 around emotions and the ability to control them but two that need to be recognised at this point are that certain emotions are “bad” and therefore shouldn’t be expressed in any form, and that emotion can’t be controlled. Both of these myths, when believed and lived out, hinder self management.

What are emotions?

This might seem an obvious question but I’ve learnt a lot about emotion over the last couple of years as various life moments have hit hard. Emotions are your brain telling a story about what your body is doing. What your brain interprets as anxiety in one situation may be excitement in another - the heart racing, the sweaty palms, the fidgeting, are all very similar in terms of physiology, but are interpreted as differing emotions by your brain.

This story the brain tells is usually more a prediction based on past experience than what is an appropriate response to the situation. This means we can be more curious about our interpretation of what our body is doing rather than judging the emotion as a fact. Dr Lisa Feldman Barrett goes into this in more detail in her TED Talk below.

This knowledge along with the fact that the wave of emotion physiologically lasts on average 90 seconds4, means we do have more control over our emotions than we might have thought.

Regulating Emotions

Author of My Stroke of Insight, Jill Bolte Taylor, says that when you are feeling emotionally triggered by something,

“Look at the second hand on a watch. As soon as you look at it, you’re now observing yourself having this physiological response instead of engaging with it. It will take less than 90 seconds, and you will feel better.5

There is something about observing and being aware of an emotion without judgement that is a key part of regulation. We can then make a choice about how we react or not to the situation. If we judge a feeling as good or bad, we tell ourselves a story and make meaning of something that we can’t necessarily control and then add more feelings like guilt or shame.

Non-judgemental observation helps us interact more appropriately with events around us and process what is appropriate, and what is not, without making things worse for ourselves. Anger and sadness are legitimate responses to situations as is happiness and excitement. Labelling them good or bad stops us engaging with them appropriately. Karla Maclaren notes in her article on The Myth of Positive Emotions,

When we think of emotions in these positive and negative ways, we tend to feel comfortable only when positive emotions arise.

This is a big part of why we’re so uncomfortable around most emotions; we’ve been taught to treat most of them as problems instead of as necessary and valuable parts of our lives.

Another problem: There are a lot more of the so-called negative emotions than there are of the so-called positive ones, which means that most of us feel comfortable with only a very small percentage of our emotions.6

Un-learning that certain emotions are “bad” takes time, especially if you’ve had experiences where expressing an emotion has been used against you. It is worth taking the time to reflect on what emotions you shut down and avoid because you think they are wrong or bad.

Developing Self Management

An important part of developing Self Management is being open to change. If we do not accept that change can happen, feedback can make us defensive because we can conflate what we have done as equal to who we are. We can become stuck in bad habits that cause difficult emotions to spiral, and we can avoid taking on new skills and opportunities that will be of benefit to us.

Once we are open to change, we can start to engage with disciplines that can develop Self Management. These include but aren’t limited to, sleep, exercise, diet, time management, healthy boundaries, goal setting, self motivation, and taking and acting on feedback. Each of these deserve a blog post on their own but I’ll focus on the first three as I believe they are the most important but also the most neglected - particularly sleep.

Sleep

If you are struggling with regulating your emotions and finding that you are acting from impulse, the first thing to reflect on is your sleep. Poor health may create poor sleep but poor sleep will create poor health7 - mentally and physically. If we don’t get enough sleep our mood changes and we are more likely to be more irritable, likely to eat poorly and gain weight, exercise less, have impaired cognitive function, and reduced immune function.8 In turn, this will impact our ability to work well and our relationships.

If you want to develop Self Management, start prioritising your sleep.

Diet

My nutritionist friends would have plenty to say on this point and I’m certainly not an expert! However, it is very clear that what we eat, or don’t eat, impacts our emotions, our ability to work well, and our ability to relate well to others. Making sure to have a balanced diet, making use of healthy snacks, and keeping hydrated, is a foundational Self Management skill9.

Exercise

You don’t have to run ultra marathons or even run at all. Exercise that helps wellbeing and regulation of emotions starts with a brisk 10 minute daily walk10. Exercise is particularly good at getting us away from the noise of our phones and screens (though this isn’t necessarily the case in gyms!) which in turn gives our brains space to process without extra unhelpful input. Whether it is the time to process the causes of stress, releasing pent-up aggression, or just getting the release of endorphins after the fact, exercise is a proven method to help regulate emotion11.

Continuing development

If you have begun to develop good habits around sleep, diet, and exercise, then it is likely you’ve started developing the skills of time management, healthy boundaries, goal setting, and self motivation. If you’ve hired a coach to help with some of this work then it may be you’ve started taking and acting on feedback as well!

Conclusions

Self Management requires continual development. It is intrinsically linked to Self Awareness and so the more we develop our Self Awareness, the more we are likely to find areas that need development in Self Management - and vice versa.

Self Management is also connected to behavioural change and motivation12 and both of these are best achieved with supportive peers who can hold us accountable or professionals such as coaches. Doing this on your own may get you part of the way, but Emotional Intelligence is also about understanding how we are perceived by others, and that requires us to do this work by engaging with and hearing from those around us. More on that in the next EI domain - Empathy.

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Resources

1. Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? By Dr Julie Smith - an excellent resource on managing thoughts and emotions.

2. Modern Wisdom Podcast with Dr Lisa Feldman Barrett - this is bit of a meandering conversation exploring emotions, how they originate, and whether we have some control over our emotions. Scientific, philosophical, and at some points a bit uncertain on where it is heading, this conversation was helpful but take it as listening in to a conversation with an expert who is thinking on her feet, not a seminar.

2. Another conversation on emotional regulation by a father and son duo, the father being a clinical psychologist.

3. For a more detailed look at Emotional Intelligence utilising EQ-i 2.0, Andi Roberts goes into more detail - relevant to Self Management would be Self Expression, Decision Making, and Stress Management.

Over the next few weeks I’m exploring four elements of Emotional Intelligence (EI for short but also known as EQ) and how we can develop our EI to improve both our wellbeing and our relationships. While there is some research to suggest that there is a percentage of people who may be unable to develop their EI for various reasons, I’ll be aiming this series at the majority of people who have some emotional awareness and an ability to build on that foundation.

EI is said to be made up of Self Awareness, Self Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management. I’ll define each one in turn, highlight the research behind its importance, and then provide a few resources and activities that are designed to develop the skill.

What is self awareness?

“There are two parts to self-awareness: internal and external. Internal self-awareness means knowing your values and personality strengths and weaknesses. External self-awareness means knowing how other people see you. The two parts are independent of each other. A person can be high or low on both scales, or high on one and low on the other.” Tasha Eurich

We may think we are aware of our abilities, beliefs, and emotions, along with how we interact with those around us, but we are very good at deceiving ourselves. We are also very good at undermining self awareness by ruminating on negative emotions or making value judgements on actions we can’t fix.

Increasing self awareness develops the skill to recognise why we are feeling or acting a certain way, helps us to reflect on such moments with curiosity rather than judgement, and to look at how we can respond in a more appropriate and healthy way in future. Guilt and shame are just as much the enemies of self awareness as pride and over-confidence.

The need for self awareness

Research shows that those who have better self awareness are: more resilient, better decision makers, better leaders, able to develop stronger relationships, and more self confident. They also tend to have better job-related wellbeing1. Need I say more?

Self awareness for coaches

Self awareness is a vital skill for being an effective coach (just as it is for any role that involves listening to and leading others). Any coach needs to be able to recognise where they might inadvertently be leading a coachee to their own way of thinking. They need to be aware of their own inner dialogue and how that might be affecting their ability to listen. Coaches can be affected by a coachee sharing an event or emotion which then hinders their ability to coach well so they need to know their own emotional triggers. On top of that, awareness and control of body language and facial expressions which can easily convey value judgement, avoids inadvertently damaging the rapport and safety of the coaching session by making the coachee feel judged.

Developing self awareness

There are two aspects to self awareness. The first is internal. Giving yourself time to think about your own values and beliefs. Regular moments of reflection and journalling can also help review actions and emotions and whether you lived out of your values and beliefs or from instinct or external pressure.

The second aspect is just as important and helps combat self-deception - find colleagues, friends, and family who can give you honest feedback. Tools like Belbin, and Strengthfinder, are helpful but come with a price tag. The Johari Window, on the other hand, is free and can be a great starter for learning more about yourself and how others experience you. It is important to find people who are on your side, the critical friend who will be honest with you but in a way that builds you up rather than leaves you reeling from feedback that is overly harsh, unspecific, and ultimately you can’t do anything with.

Coaching can be helpful in developing self awareness. The coach is not there to give advice or direct what decisions the coachee should make, but is there to raise the awareness of their values, emotions, and priorities which will in turn, inform them in making and owning their decisions.

“Usually, it is overconcern with results that leads to overcontrol and decreased feel, so change your goal to increasing awareness. Pick any awareness technique and increase your focus on whatever feel is there. Don’t judge it as good or bad; merely observe it. Feel will pick up immediately, and improved results will follow as a matter of course.”
― W. Timothy Gallwey, The Inner Game of Golf

Whatever goal, emotion, or desire is being discussed in the moment - the coach needs to remain curious to ask questions that help the coachee be curious rather than judgemental - to help them be more self aware.

Get stuck in…

Self awareness takes honesty, humility, and effort. While there are a lot of tools that are said to improve self awareness, you can start by asking yourself some questions:

What are my core values that I want to live by? (An activity by James Clear helps with answering this question)

What emotions have I felt today and how did they impact how I acted and decisions I made? How would I like to act in future if I feel the same way?

And to someone you trust you can ask,

“What do I do that you most appreciate about me? What do I do that most annoys you?” (as seen shared by Tasha Eurich on LinkedIn)

For further resources on self awareness and more detailed activities and frameworks for reflection, check out the resources and articles below.

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If you are interested in exploring EI and how we can learn and develop EI over the next few weeks then why not hit subscribe. You’ll get each article in your inbox - usually 9am on a Friday morning. A paid subscription will also get you a complimentary coaching session as well as support what I do. Get in touch if you’d like to know more!

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Resources

Some related articles on this blog:

Other articles:

I connected to Andi Roberts on Reddit and he has many articles on EI on his blog. His article on Self Awareness has some helpful exercises beyond what I’ve shared: https://andiroberts.com/emotional-intelligence/emotional-self-awareness-eqi

Why Self Awareness Matters - a summary of Tasha Eurich’s work on NIH.gov

Some ideas for developing self awareness on Psychology Today

Emotional Intelligence (EI) broke into the public consciousness in the 1990s though it had been around as a concept for a few decades prior. Today it is becoming recognised as a skillset which has more importance in many areas than technical ability.

Harvard Business School define EI as,

the ability to understand and manage your emotions, as well as recognise and influence the emotions of those around you.

However, there is much more to EI than a short definition. Peter Salovey and John Mayer are two researchers who are said to have coined the phrase “Emotional Intelligence” in their research in 1990. They developed a model representing EI in four branches: perceive, use, understand, and manage. Perceiving emotions is to accurately identify emotions, including non-verbal cues, sarcasm, and tone of voice. Using emotions in a way that helps rather than hinders, aids our thinking rather than shuts it down. The next branch is understanding the emotion and why it is being shown. Finally, managing emotions is about regulating your own emotions and responding both to your own and others emotions appropriately.1

Professor Daniel Goleman, famous for his book Emotional Intelligence published in 1995, built off the work of Salovey and Mayer. He now discusses EI in terms of 4 domains and 12 competencies. Self Awareness, Self Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management.

These four domains are all commonly used and generally accepted as positive attributes, however they are also often regarded as “soft” skills and not necessarily prioritised when thinking about job applications and interviews. While many leadership courses do include some aspect of EI, many leaders, or those aspiring to leadership, would prioritise getting things done and the relational stuff as nice optional additions.

The comment above was made by someone in a leadership position while being asked about their behaviour towards another member of the organisation I was part of. The “soft” skill of making a request rather than a demand of a colleague wasn’t seen as important. Being pulled up on their communication style when the working relationship broke down was deflected as the other person’s problem.

Self awareness and the ability to recognise the impact of one’s actions on another along with motivation to tailor communication to improve relationships are all a part of EI.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be exploring how each of the four domains of EI can be developed and strengthened over time. This week I wanted to explore the research around EI/EQ and why intellect (IQ) being the main means of assessment in education or job interviews is misguided.

One of my more frustrated memories from my teaching career was a disagreement I had with a head of year who challenged my feedback for one of my students in my year 9 tutor group. In the UK, student grade targets are often set by using year 6 and 7 assessments and mapped out through to year 11 as to what that student should be achieving in their GCSEs. I won’t get into the background of just how arbitrary these targets really are, but my student wasn’t achieving these targets in several of her classes.

However, I had noticed every single one of the teacher’s comments were glowing - she worked well with others, she worked hard and she completed homework on time, she listened well, she interacted well with staff, she was a joy to teach. I knew, as her tutor since year 7, that she’d come a long way and developed what I’d now describe as emotional intelligence that surpassed many of her peers.

If you’ve ever taught a year 9 class, you might not think that high praise, but, she stood out in way that if it was intellectual prowess, she’d be put into a gifted and talented group. So my feedback to her was to say well done and keep doing what she was doing. My head of year said I needed to highlight she wasn’t achieving her targets. The implication, I felt, was that working hard and working well with others just isn’t good enough.

I still think of that moment as a lightbulb moment for me that the education system isn’t working for a significant number of people. It also highlights that our education system hasn’t caught up with the research that EI is just as vital a skill for kids to learn, if not more so, than being able to regurgitate information.

The students that were the most fun to teach, and I think most likely to be successful in life beyond school, weren’t always the ones who were great at maths or computing (the topics I taught). They were the ones who showed qualities of EI, like self awareness, humility, social awareness, and empathy, and an ability to avoid the social dramas that are an everyday occurrence in a secondary school.

Interestingly, the science bears this out - that EI is a differentiator in whether someone will be successful beyond their childhood. A 40-year study of 1000 children in New Zealand with 95% of the original cohort staying the course, has shown that temperance and self-control improve the likelihood of better outcomes in later life2.

In business and leadership, there seems to be general agreement that EI is important. Richard Branson on a LinkedIn Q&A was asked what was more important, IQ or EQ.

“In short, I think being emotionally intelligent is more important in every aspect of life – and this includes business. Being a good listener, finding empathy, understanding emotions, communicating effectively, treating people well, and bringing out the best is critical to success. It will also help you build a business that really understands people and solve their problems, and it will make for a happier and healthier team too.” Richard Branson.

Despite this consensus, there are still many people experiencing poor leadership and management from leaders whose opinions of themselves are distinctly different from those they lead. Tasha Eurich’s research articulated in her book Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think, found that “95 percent of people believe they are self-aware, but the real number is 12 to 15 percent, that means, on a good day, about 80 percent of people are lying about themselves—to themselves.”3

Positions of leadership seem to make this overconfidence worse.4

We have a problem then that while most people will verbally agree that EI is important and that studies agree that EI is a positive both for individual success but also for society generally, we are mostly pretty bad at it!

However, unlike IQ which is pretty static, EI can be learned and bad habits can be unlearned.

This is where, I believe, coaching can help. A good coach will push back on overconfidence and unrealistic self-assessment. Cognitive-behavioural solution-focused coaching helps build resilience, goal attainment, and overall wellbeing in the workplace5. Resilience being particularly necessary to handle critical feedback that is vital for accurate self awareness. Having someone reflect back how you behave and communicate in an honest but non-judgemental setting can really make a difference.

Even if you don’t want coaching, you can still learn these skills! So, in the next few posts over the next few weeks, I’ll be exploring ways we can develop our EI in all its domains and in all areas of our lives.

You can explore the next post in the series below:

If you are interested in exploring EI and how we can learn and develop EI over the next few weeks then why not hit subscribe. You’ll get each article in your inbox - usually 9am on a Friday morning. A paid subscription will also get you a complimentary coaching session as well as support what I do. Get in touch if you’d like to know more!

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Resources

• Another take on the importance of EI in early years with further links and resources by Herne Hill School

• What to do about leaders who think they are better than they are? By Ere

• Emotional Intelligence by Prof. Daniel Goleman Phd is an audiobook available on Spotify if you have a premium subscription:

Footnotes

A couple of months ago I wrote about how focusing on being happy can regularly mean we never achieve it. I'm finding in coaching that confidence, or the lack of it, is a big issue that people are looking for help with.

The most helpful forms of coaching aid with self reflection, build resilience, and challenge limiting beliefs. Decisions, goals, and outcomes of the session are owned by the coachee which, in turn, builds real self confidence rather than a reliance on the coach.

Confidence, like happiness, isn't something that can be sorted with a few steps, but there are some things we can do that over time will provide the right ground for it to grow. These are things I would bring into a coaching session to help someone grow in confidence. I don't think it's anything ground breaking but having someone work through these things by listening, questioning, and reflecting back can break through negative self talk and doubt.

Recognise negative self-talk

A substack article by popped up on my feed recently on this theme and I thought their starting point was right on the money. How do you talk about yourself? Do you already tell people you are not confident? Stop! Words have power and the more you tell yourself you aren’t something, the more likely that is to be the case!

Recognise the power of action

One of Kim Foster M.D’s 6 Confidence Secrets to Build Self Esteem QUICKLY is “Confidence is a Muscle”. Little actions practiced over time will grow confidence. Confidence is about action and “building a portfolio of proof” as Dr Foster puts it, that you can do the hard stuff and even if you have a setback the world hasn’t ended.

Recognise your wins

Confidence comes from knowing you are able to do hard things. Often we can go through life without recognising when we have pushed through something that challenged us. It may be that you have a good memory and you don’t feel that you need to write down successes, but if you are struggling with confidence, this is highlighting that your memory is prioritising failures or missed opportunities rather than successes. Start a journal, or a digital document, that helps your brain remember the times you overcame the challenge.

Recognise mindset

When I was a teacher, Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset became somewhat viral, with discussions on how to implement it in our classrooms. Recognising that many students saw failure as something that became who they were rather than those who had a Growth Mindset who saw failure as an opportunity to grow was revolutionary. The video below highlights the power of “not yet” rather than “I’ve failed” in transforming our relationship with failure.

Confidence is linked to our mindset, especially when it comes to how we view potential failures. If you can transform your relationship with failure to be a recognition that you’ve not achieved your goal “yet”, then you are on your way to growing in confidence as you tackle the challenge in front of you. Each time you tackle something that was difficult, recognise it as a win!

Recognise the power of accountability

If you are struggling to take action, making a public commitment can make a huge difference in your motivation to do something. Daniel Pink highlights in his video below on motivators to overcome procrastination that studies show a public commitment can boost likelihood of completing a goal to 65%, or a specific accountability partner who will follow up with you to 95%.

This is where coaching may be able to help with taking the small steps needed to start boosting your confidence. Feel free to get in touch if you want to explore this further!

Recognise your limitations

Your feeling of lack of confidence may just be that you don’t know enough or aren’t skilled enough to do what you want to do… yet! Are there steps you can take to boost your skills or knowledge in the areas that you are struggling with? There are so many resources out there that if it is a skill or knowledge gap that a podcast, book, or youtube video can begin to fill the gaps. If it is a skill that you are struggling with then you have to start practicing - a youtube video may give some support, but you have to act. Commit to practice, tell someone you are practicing, block it in your diary, and recognise even the practicing as “wins”.

Recognise “The Spotlight Effect”

Research has shown that we all tend to overestimate how much others pay attention to the way we behave or look. We prioritise our own feelings of embarrassment and worry about other’s perceptions far more than we should and often in a way that hinder us from our own goals.

When lacking on confidence in speaking out in a team or social situation the spotlight effect can be a hindrance to taking the step to ask a question or share an opinion. Even when you have spoken up, the spotlight effect can then make you overthink other’s perceptions on what you’ve said. It is humbling to know that people tend to think about you less than you might realise. It is also helpful to know that they’re less likely to be judging you as much as you judge yourself - which takes us back to recognising self-talk!

Recognise there isn’t a silver bullet

In conclusion to all of this, none of these things will magically move you into the confident person you want to be instantly! It takes effort, patience, and time. By putting these things into action though you can set yourself up for growth. Over time, your portfolio of proof that you can do the difficult stuff will help you recognise that where you once didn’t have confidence, you now do.

If you are interested in the world of coaching, learning about self-development, leadership, and healthier communities then hit subscribe!

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The video starts off with the line, “One of the biggest gifts a man and his masculinity can give to his woman is to shut her brain off”. The speaker says she teaches this all the time and is what “The Powerful Man” is all about - the man should lead, plan the date, drive, tell “his woman” what to wear, and to say “tell me whats going on, tell me what you’re feeling”. The end goal is that the man will “step more into his masculinity” and “she’ll be able to soften into her femininity” and the final conclusion is that she should, “not be in charge“.

There are multiple issues in this video regarding its assumptions on relationships between men and women. One standout issue is is that there are pieces of truth in it. We men can be too passive and could often be more proactive in our relationships. Some men in some relationships are being led by their spouse in an unhealthy way. Some men never ask their partner what they are thinking or feeling.

The little bits of truth, plus the fact it is being said by a woman, make the conclusion feel like it could be true - especially to straight men, which is clearly their target audience.

However, the conclusion in this reel demeans women by telling them they need to: “soften into their femininity”, need their brains to be “switched off”, need to be told what to wear, where to go, and need to be led. The video’s solution uses a masculine vs feminine binary frame which is not a solid foundation for the kinds of conclusions the podcasters are making. For one, this framing excludes LGBTQ+ people, or at least ignores their existence because by existing, they undermine the limited view of masculinity and femininity shared in this reel.

Definitions of masculinity and femininity are provably cultural and societal constructs that change through history1. There are some characteristics that men and women tend to emphasise but “tend” is the key word2. These are not fixed points that people should be pushed to emulate. Men can have feminine traits and women can have masculine traits, this doesn't make them any more or less of a man or woman. Simplistic views of masculinity and femininity, like the one in the reel, do not offer the most desirable characteristics for being a man or woman, let alone characteristics for a healthy relationship.

In my experience from working with university students, this framing of masculinity is creating unhappy men. It enables unhealthy expectations for what a relationship should look like, let alone what masculinity is. The expectation that the man should be in charge is creating a fragility in men who see challenge or disagreement by a woman as a threat to their core - the opposite of the strong men they desire to be.

In wider society, men are seeking purpose, are more lonely than ever, and more men are blaming the world but more specifically women and feminism for their problems. A study by Equimondo on the State of American Men in 2023 highlighted that while restricted views on masculinity in terms of never apologising, being dominant, able to use violence etc. did benefit the man in his sense of purpose, they were all linked to greater social harm.3

Telling men they are leaders simply because they are men added together with unhealthy expectations about women, isn’t helping stop misogyny, isn't helping men learn to manage their emotions, and it is limiting their ability to have healthy relationships. However the view is attractive to men because it is giving them a clear sense of purpose, albeit a destructive one. Dr Gottman found that “when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.”4

The other side of this coin is that violence against women is most often perpetrated by their intimate partners or family members. The statistics are dire: “In 2023, around 51,100 women and girls worldwide were killed by their intimate partners or other family members… While 60 per cent of all female homicides are committed by intimate partners or other family members, only 12 per cent of all male homicides are perpetrated in the private sphere.”5

“Behaviours intended to control women’s bodies, autonomy and contact with others are also strongly correlated with an increased experience of intimate partner violence.” UN Women

There must be a better way for men to find purpose that doesn’t have such a detrimental impact on women. While I won’t be discussing purpose as much in the rest of this article, it will certainly be something I explore in future blog posts.

From my coaching training, a better framework for navigating healthy relationships is Transactional Analysis (TA)6 which I’ve written a bit about already. If you aren’t aware of the language around ego states (child, adult, parent) I recommend reading my article or watching this first:

Using TA to analyse The Powerful Man reel, we are told that the man must change from being a man-child to a man-parent. In so doing, the woman moves from being a woman-parent to a woman-child. As shown in the TA video, this may serve partners to a degree but over time creates just as unhealthy a dynamic as an authoritarian woman.

Where the man-child has been patronised by the woman-parent and never challenged to step up to do the dishes, plan a date, or generally be proactive in the relationship, the solution as presented by the video is that the man should parent the woman and it is the woman who goes into a child-state. It should go without saying that adults don’t need to be told what to wear and what to do but sadly this idea of the man being in charge and controlling the relationship is being pushed across society as “masculinity”. Authoritarian partners are provably bad news for healthy relationships and families - no matter their gender.7

Healthy relationships are where two adults are both operating in the adult-state. Our ego states can shift healthily - we may be legitimately upset to a point we cannot think rationally, at this point we are in a child-state but this is totally healthy. There is a point where our emotion subsides and we are able to think more clearly and return to our adult-state. A person in a parent state may be nurturing and supportive but if it is the default state it can lead to patronising and overbearing behaviours. There are positives to each state but parent and child states are not the ideal defaults for a healthy, rational, equal relationship.

What is healthy is when the man-child is enabled to become a man-adult - proactive but not overbearing, supportive but not patronising, able to show emotions but keeping them under control.8 A healthy relationship is a partnership, created by the two being adults, not falling into a parent-child relationship which this video seems to be encouraging. If you are talking about one person in the relationship being “in charge” then you are not talking about a relationship of equals.

If two adults are acting in the adult-state and have decided together that the woman is able to lead in various areas, whether those areas are traditionally masculine or not, then that couple is operating healthily.

Humans are complex beings operating in complex social networks. Anyone claiming that to be a man/woman you should act in one particular way is promoting an over-simplistic view of the world that in the long run will be detrimental to future relationships with the opposite sex. The world needs more men and women to operate in the adult-state, it doesn’t need more men to think they deserve to be obeyed or followed just because they are a man.

What has been highlighted to me as I’ve dug into recent studies and surveys on masculinity is that purpose, or the lack of it, is a big issue. Men are finding a quick fix in a restrictive view of masculinity that benefits their sense of purpose but leads to harm around them. As a society, but more specifically as men, we need to show there is an alternative that is better for all. For now, that discussion will have to be taken up in future posts.

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Are you navigating issues raised by this article? Purpose, emotional intelligence, confidence, or relational dynamics can all be explored in a coaching relationship. In fact coaching may well be one of the most helpful interventions for men according to this study! I’d be happy to discuss with you if a coaching session is a helpful next step.

Nancy Kline’s A Time to Think comes highly recommended by a number of coaches and is part of the reading list on my course. Having read it through over the last couple of weeks this framework stood out. It is both simple but having only a few hours of coaching under my belt so far, I can already see how effective this could be.

The six steps of the framework are as follows.

1. “What do you want to think about?”

   This question is followed up with a repeated, “Is there anything else you are thinking or feeling or want to say?” until there is nothing else that the thinker wants to say.

2. What do you want to get out of this session at this point?

   Here the thinker can start thinking about an objective but the “at this point” leaves it open for further thinking and development.

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3. Identify what might be a limiting assumption - “What are you assuming that’s stopping you from moving forward/reaching your goal?”

   An example response might be: “I’m assuming that no-one listens to me around here” or “I’m not clever enough”. Nancy talks about 3 groups of limiting assumptions.

   1. Facts – things that are verifiably true. e.g. “I’m not the boss so things won’t change”

   2. Possible facts – things that might be true, but we don’t know yet. e.g. “They’ll laugh at me if I try this”

   3. Assumptions – things we believe to be true but haven’t tested. e.g. “there is nothing I can do about this”.

   Once an assumption has been identified, ask for the thinker’s words for the positive opposite. Don’t bring in your assumptions here, allow the thinker to use their words as they may well be different from yours!

4. Ask what Nancy Kline calls the Incisive Question to remove that belief. This is created by using the positive opposite of the limiting belief. As a response to the example you might ask: “If you knew you would be listened to, what would you say, and to whom”

   1. “If you were the boss, what would you do in this situation?”

   2. “If you knew that they wouldn’t laugh at you, what would you do to reach your goal?”

   3. “If you knew that there was something you could do, what would you do to reach your goal?”

   The incisive question can then be repeated until the person has no more to say.

5. Allow for silence. The best thinking happens in ease and silence. Watch for body language. Nancy likens the silence to allowing the thinker to go for a walk trusting them to come back and tell you where they have been.

6. The last step is for the thinker to write the incisive question down verbatim. It was their words for their assumption and the positive opposite. It is these words that enabled their thinking to cut through the assumptions. The thinker can very quickly forget what the question was because they were focused on the thinking, not the question that enabled it.

   Close with appreciation for the thinker. They have been vulnerable with you and do not take that trust for granted.

It may be that you don’t have opportunity to try this framework out in full, though what is stopping you from asking a friend to help you think better with this as a guide? Set the ground rules that the friend can’t interrupt, can’t offer advice, can't contradict or affirm, but can only ask these questions. Then swap turns. See what happens when you give someone your full attention.

How can you offer your attention and ask better questions to help those around you think more carefully and deeply?

If you think the above would be helpful and are interested in a coaching session to help you think deeply about a topic, clarify some goals, or work through a problem, then feel free to get in touch.

When in a community, it is too easy to deflect or ignore red flags especially when our personal experience has been so good up to that point. If the person in power is affirming our own conclusions, suspicions, or fears, then our brains can also work against us thinking critically. However when we do overcome the pressure to remain silent, standing up and raising concerns can come with its own cost.

DARVO is a model that helps us analyse an all too common harmful response when an individual raises concerns in a community. DARVO was developed with abuse in relationships in mind (see Resources below) but provides a helpful framework in other contexts. It is particularly pernicious in communities and organisations with a top-down structure of authority. This is where the average worker or member of the community have no means of checking the narrative of the person or group in authority. Talking to an excluded person would also mean their own position in the group or role is threatened. If you haven’t come across DARVO then it is worth reflecting on the image below.

The acronym stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Denial could be explicit or implicit through deflection and distraction. Whistleblowers and victims are often accused of trying to tear a good person or organisation down. Sadly there is often a cost to standing up to bullies or people in positions of power who are content to use misinformation or make claims with no evidence to push their cause and gain more power.

In organisations and faith communities, DARVO is used to distract supporters from believing and sympathising with those who have been persecuted or harmed by the person in power. It flips the script on who the real victim is and while the person in power controls the narrative to the in-group, the actual victim is excluded from having a voice to contradict the labels and accusations being spun against them. The person seeking accountability and transparency is labelled bitter or angry and the in-group close around and defend their leader. The labels against the victim help justify ignoring any facts or evidence. Those within the in-group emphasise that their leader has “done so much good”, “didn’t mean to hurt anyone”, has “always been good to them”, “you’re not perfect”, or any other number of deflective moves.

This isn’t to say that leaders cannot be victims, nor that DARVO only flows down a hierarchical structure. A group may gain some power of influence within a community and spin a narrative about a leader. Many leaders have found themselves excluded because they are the whistleblower or have tried to bring about accountability that others in the community aren’t comfortable with. When discussing whistleblowers, I have found many people (including myself in the past!) assume them to not be in positions of influence or power themselves. This isn’t always the case!

Another area that DARVO can be used is in the context of governmental leadership and politics. Without using names, there are prominent examples of claiming to be persecuted to remain in a position of power or gain sympathy from supporters. It’s a particularly powerful tool when the supposed persecutors remain unable to defend themselves, or are an undefined enemy where it’s impossible to prove “they” don’t exist.

However, when policies are highlighted as being racist, actions by law enforcement are specifically designed to act against minority groups - citizens or otherwise, or comments are xenophobic, politicians will hypocritically claim that words have power and can lead to violence against them. They’ll cry “foul” at having their character smeared rather than deal with the issues being raised. Those who agree with or voted for a particular person will often defend and deflect their party or person without engaging in the issues being raised - often by going on the attack.

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How do we defend against DARVO?

The first place to start is by reflecting on our own ability to use DARVO, even unwittingly. I think it is a human tendency to hate being held accountable and to jump straight to denial and attack. I’ve seen children do this when told to apologise for an action they blame the other child for telling on them and accuse the adults in the room that they’re being mean. Sadly many adults don’t seem to grow up but instead become more adept at manipulating those around them to take their side. Being self aware enough to recognise mistakes seems to be a skill that is lost the further up a person rises.

While reflecting on our own actions, think about how you act as a member of a community, political persuasion, or an organisation. If we have a loyalty to a leader or person in power, or are just close friends with them, we can dismiss issues raised because the issue raised is so far from our own personal experience. We can even find ourselves going on the attack because we cannot easily handle evidence that contradicts our experience or our firmly held beliefs, particularly if it comes from a source that might deliver the information in a way that doesn’t feel safe.

If you are faced with DARVO yourself, then making records is a good place to start. Comparing words and actions, recording both where possible, helps combat the feeling of being gaslit which often accompanies the reversal of victim and offender roles. Find people who can walk with you through it, comfort you through the painful times and help you take responsibility for how you move forward.

If in an organisation, look for whistleblower policies and procedures and any independent bodies that might be supportive.

If in a faith community, finding resolution depends on the community structure. From my background in churches, some are improving their ability to hold leaders who utilise DARVO and NDAs accountable, but sadly many are failing to learn from the growing number of stories of pain and exclusion coming from whistleblowers. Many whistleblowers, victims, or people asking questions around accountability and transparency, have found themselves excluded from a community because a leader’s ego has been bruised and their supporters don’t want to hold them accountable.

For those of us watching people in prominent positions attempting DARVO en masse, there may not be much we can do other than to highlight to those around us the contradictions between what is being said and what is being done. We can share information about frameworks like DARVO or the Drama Triangle and use them to analyse where leaders/followers are trying to win sympathy or claim a victim status. We can certainly vote accordingly when the time comes. Those currently in positions of power and influence claiming to be victimised while attacking groups of people who have no voice may likely be protesting too much.

Have you experienced DARVO? Has it been resolved? How did you work through it?

When someone raises an issue, be it political or about a leader you respect, do you jump to defend or do you remain curious?

Does any of this ring true for a situation you are currently in? If you would like someone to talk to or help you think through next steps then you’d be very welcome to get in touch.

Resources

• DARVO was coined in 1997 by Jennifer Joy Freyd, PhD. For more of her research you can visit her website here: https://www.jjfreyd.com/darvo

• Wade Mullen has worked with many Christians navigating abuse within their faith communities. He has written about DARVO and the impact on whistleblowers here:

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