“I’m sure whatever you have to say can wait until you are smarter” - seen on Facebook
This fairly blunt quote above shared in meme form on Facebook has stuck in my mind as a reminder that online opinions are often shared by people who don’t yet know enough. Sharing my opinion too quickly can, and often does, make me look foolish. The online world relishes speed but facts aren’t always forthcoming so we form opinions without having the whole picture.
This isn’t just an online phenomenon. All too often we can rush in with our opinions or advice, telling people what they should do or should think. I’m sceptical that social media can be utilised to encourage better conversations, for the most part it seems to amplify division. I’m even more sceptical that me telling the world through social media what I think and what they should think will do anything other than turn people off or confirm already made conclusions - it is highly unlikely to make people think more deeply or change their minds.
So how do we do this better? I think curiosity is a good start1.
“Be curious, not judgemental”, Walt Whitman
In terms of social media, I think this could look like rephrasing posts that suggest others should think a certain way or that other people’s thinking is “wrong” into posts that ask questions and invite deeper thinking. An additional challenge for me in the hope to improve how I use social media is to pause and reflect on whether what I’m posting reflects my core values and how I hope to be perceived.
Being curious is much easier, I think, to put into practice in person. Next time someone comes to you with a problem or situation in their life, rather than tell them your thoughts (even if they ask, “what do you think?”), ask them a question. If the person isn’t expecting a coaching session and genuinely wanted your advice, maybe caveat the question first that you’d like some more information and/or are happy to help them think through the issue a bit more before giving your thoughts. Being more curious helps you at least understand the situation or problem in more detail so if you do end up giving advice, it can be more likely to be helpful.
Fortunately, there are many resources to help us ask better questions. I’m finding various frameworks are out there for helpful reminders on how to help people think more deeply and take more ownership of an issue. One such framework I’ve read recently is from David Rock, author of Quiet Leadership.
The book covers various helpful steps for improving conversations and leading people by helping them think more deeply. Rock introduces the book with various aspects of neuroscience and research around habit building and highlights that people are very unlikely to change behaviour if they are told how or what to do. Behaviour changes and habits are made when someone has time to think through what they want, have explored options and made a decision themselves, and have committed to act in a certain timeframe and have someone who holds them accountable. One of the models David offers to help someone think more deeply is called the CREATE model. It stands for Current Reality, Explore Alternatives, and Tap their Energy.
So if someone comes to you with a situation they are facing or a problem they’d like to explore, here are some example questions that you can adapt to help you be more curious and encourage deeper thinking.
Current Reality
How long have you been thinking about this?
What impact does this have on you/colleagues/friends/family etc.?
What have you done about this so far?
Explore Alternatives
Don’t rush to give your own thoughts though if the person you are talking to is stuck or exhausted their own ideas, you can put yours out there as an option of many rather than the answer.
Can you think of any other options for handling this?
What resources might help you with this?
Who else can you talk to that might be able to support/advise with you on this?
Tap their Energy
What are you going to do about this and when?
Who can hold you accountable?
How can I help support you going forward?
In many ways this model can fit into the GROW model I have discussed before. Focusing on a goal or outcome without getting bogged down in the details of the problem avoids just being vented at, can help lift someone from feeling stuck, and means you don't inadvertently take on responsibility for fixing their problem.
How social media works isn't going to change any time soon but I'm certain that if we slow down how fast we offer opinions and advice, be more curious and ask more questions, there will be many more healthy conversations.
I’m currently offering free coaching sessions as part of my qualification. If you’d like to explore what a coaching session looks like please get in touch.
A friend shared a recent post with me with very similar conclusions from this blog post and shared a clip of Ted Lasso which, in all honesty, is where the Walt Whitman quote above came from: