Every year for the last 5 years I’ve delivered an Institute of Leadership and Management accredited leadership course to international students. Each year I get to the last session, ‘Resilient Leadership’, and find myself challenged by the content I’m offering to students. I’ve just finished delivering the course again, and once again found myself challenged, so I thought I’d share some of the content here.
Talking about resilience is all well and good when things are going well but can we prepare ourselves to handle life better when the hard stuff hits?
Last year I shared a bit about my own life and how 2024 was one of the toughest years of my life in terms of loss and grief and a few of the things I’ve learnt along the way for processing such difficult times. I hadn’t given much thought to the fact that what I shared in that post was evidence that what I’d been teaching for the last 5 years had been internalised.
Part of the course shares some of the conclusions Dr Lucy Hone has come to through her research on resilience. Having researched resilience and worked with many people including military to build resilience, she had to put it all into practice when she lost her daughter in a car accident. I highly recommend you take the 15 minutes to watch her Ted talk below, if for no other reason than for the first few minutes being reminded that adversity doesn’t discriminate and impacts us all. If we take an honest look at life, we all know how bad it can get but in the words of Dr Hone,
“I didn’t need to be told how bad things were… I needed hope… I needed to be an active participant in my own grief process.”
It is the initial reminder that adversity affects us all (and if it hasn’t yet, just wait) that leads to the first point of building resilience - Acceptance. Two unhealthy habits that hinder resilience are going down the road of “why is this happening to me?” (answer: “why wouldn’t it happen to you?”), or denial/avoidance that the adversity is impacting you at all. Acceptance is recognising the adversity for what it is, acknowledges the pain and gives space for it, but avoids additional pain feeling victimised or unfairly treated.
Do you recognise that adversity affects everyone? Think about the last time you faced a difficult moment in your life - how did you respond? How might this have helped you respond differently?
The second pointer from Dr Hone is to think about your attention. Those who are resilient are very good at focusing their attention on what they can change and accepting things that they can’t. Some of you might recognise this concept from the serenity prayer made famous in recovery programs -
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
Dr Hone discusses this in the video at minute 10:33 if you want to hear directly from her, but this ability to find the good even while recognising/accepting the bad is something that can be developed. It is why people often recommend gratitude journalling as a means of boosting wellbeing. Practicing this, whether through prayer or meditation as many faiths do, or by journalling, in the good times develops the ability to see good even in the darkest moments.
It is vital to note that seeking out the good while bypassing the acceptance stage can lead to avoidance and denial and the repression of pain and grief. Acceptance of the bad and seeking the good go hand in hand.
The final strategy is to ask yourself the question, "Is what I’m doing helping or harming me?”. In the last year this question has been key for me making sure the bottle is reached for less, and the outdoors is explored more through running and hiking and making the most of having converted a van into a camper.
Do you take time out to reflect on your day or week? Do you have moments where you can pause to be grateful, even if you don’t write it down? Take a moment before moving on to the next link or social media post to ask the question, “is what I’m doing helping or harming me?”
I’ve found these strategies have helped me through the last year to recognise that even in the toughest year of my life, there are some beautiful memories in the midst of the painful moments. I hope they help you too.