two women sitting on a bench — Photo by Lala Azizli on Unsplash

I was recently asked to share with colleagues how what I’ve learnt in coaching might inform our discipleship - that is the supporting other Christians in their Christian life. I’ve been pondering this since I’ve started the course so the request gave some opportunity to flesh out a few ideas. As I’m very new to the coaching world, at least in an official capacity, I’m sure much of what follows will be able to be developed more in due course. For now, this is what I came up with.

If you are new to this Substack or coaching more generally it may be worth interacting with the following post before reading on but I’ll provide a summary of some of the main coaching principles I think are relevant.

The following are key aspects of coaching:

Authenticity and integrity are vital
Respecting the agency of the other
Not advising - Helping people be self aware and responsible for their own decisions
Non-judgemental and non-directive
Emphasis on listening, being curious, and asking good questions

Integrity and Authenticity

I’m a firm believer that a discipleship relationship should be one of equal sharing and vulnerability. While there may be an overlap at times with mentoring rather than coaching, there shouldn’t be an expectation that only one person is the disciple. Both people in the discipleship relationship are disciples and neither is an authority over the other. The authority is left to God. If a more mentoring relationship is in place then the one who is further along in their walk with God should still be sharing enough of their life that those learning from and with them can see who they really are, warts and all.

Authenticity is a bit of a buzz word these days but I’ve been in spaces where people discipling me became very different people when they started talking about Jesus or the bible. Suddenly they talked in hushed tones and lost all sense of humour. Authenticity is very hard to fake - people will notice if you change your personality just for the times you’re meant to be “doing” discipleship.

Authenticity requires vulnerability and being willing to say you don’t know it all and acknowledge when you’ve made a mistake.

The most helpful dialogue comes from place of equality, love, care, and encouragement. People learn best when they know they are in a space that is safe, however safe doesn’t mean without challenge.

Respecting Agency

“Changing the way people think is one of the tougher challenges of leadership, as people tend to fight hard to hold on to their view of the world.” David Rock

Integrity, authenticity, and vulnerability all provide a basis for trust which goes a long way when a deeper topic comes up or an idea needs to be challenged. One of the quickest ways to end a mentoring, coaching, or discipling relationship is to challenge or dig deeper too quickly before the other person is ready or more specifically, without their permission.

Another key principle of coaching is that the coachee has agency and is able to make their own decisions and solve their own problems. I’ve been in too many situations in the church, and in my childhood as a missionary kid, where I’ve been asked deeply personal questions with the expectation that I be vulnerable without any relationship or trust built first. I’ve also seen fellow Christians bulldoze what could have been a solid friendship because they felt they had to talk about Jesus as soon as possible and the person they were interacting with felt like a project rather than a person.

Each person we interact with, no matter their background, is a person worthy of dignity and respect. We do not automatically get a right to speak into another person’s life nor expect them to engage in deeper topics. A simple way to go about building trust is to ask for permission. It doesn’t need to be formal but just asking “Would you be up for talking about X?” or “would you be up for me asking you a few questions about…?”. If they say “no” or “I’d rather not”, or any other form that isn’t a clear affirmation, respect it.

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Curiosity and Questioning

How many times have you shared something and rather than being asked further questions the conversation has suddenly switched focus on to the other person telling you how they’ve experienced the same thing, or more frustratingly, a barrage of uninvited advice? More often than not, we want to be understood and empathised with so that we can make our own conclusions rather than be told what to think.

Questions invite people in, show that we care, and desire to understand. Good questions require some thought and can still be misused to lead or control the conversation. Two other principles of coaching that relevant here is that it is both non-directive and non-judgemental.

One of the greatest gifts we can give people is time to be heard without being judged. Discipleship (and coaching) should be a place where self awareness is and responsibility are encouraged and this does require challenging someone’s beliefs and actions if they are limiting them from moving forward. That said, this needs to be done in a way that doesn’t push shame and guilt on the one being vulnerable enough to share.

Listening well is a skill to be developed and many have written and provided resources on this. A simple google or summary from ChatGPT of “active listening” will highlight various methods and frameworks that help you listen well. I’ll also likely write more on this in due course.

A challenge for you: When you are next in a conversation and someone shares a story or issue with you, don’t rush in with answers, ask another question! See what happens to your conversations and relationships.

Good questions and refraining from offering advice, takes the pressure off us to have all of the answers. It helps us to understand the other person and have empathy and allows the other person think through their own perspective and own their decisions. In a discipleship relationship, asking good questions, rather than giving advice or all the answers also helps the other person interpret the bible for themselves, listen to the Holy Spirit, and take responsibility for their walk with God.

Conclusions

Coaching provides many principles and skills that can help anyone in a pastoral role be more effective in helping those they work with be more self aware and take more responsibility for their decisions. They also help avoid those in these roles to avoid becoming “rescuers” or enablers of those they work with becoming dependent on them (see the Drama Triangle for more on this). While discipleship very rarely, if ever, looks like a coaching session, asking better questions, remaining curious and non-judgemental, can only be of help.

When I delivered my session to my colleagues a helpful pointer was that if you are choosing to be non-directive and avoiding giving advice, it is worth taking the time to make it clear that this is what you are doing. Silence, or even asking questions around a decision, can sometimes be taken as affirmation. While a decision made is always the responsibility of the one who makes it, making it clear you that in these conversations you are not giving advice or passing judgement is recommended.

What do you think? If you are involved in spiritual direction, discipleship, or evangelism, or just enjoy talking about faith generally, I’d love to know your thoughts.

Integrity and Authenticity

Respecting Agency

Curiosity and Questioning

Conclusions

Resources

Phil Duncalfe - Cross-Cultural Coaching

Coaching and Discipleship