Have you ever noticed that there are various things in life that are illusive as long as we strive for them? Happiness is probably the easiest example, if you seek happiness it will likely pass you by as you avoid risk and tragedy as far as is possible. Happiness is a byproduct of living out of ones values (more on this in a moment), meaningful work, deep relationships, or service, and cannot be seen as a destination. Or, more poetically:
“Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder.”
- Henry David Thoreau
If you spend some time pondering this phenomenon you’ll likely come to the conclusion that many, possibly a majority, of the deeper experiences of life become fleeting when we strive for them. Trust, love, confidence, peace of mind, and many more spring from a particular quality of life lived. In the same way as getting to sleep requires us to redirect our attention from fixating on going to sleep to something mundane like counting sheep, these deeper experiences can be enjoyed and achieved when we focus our attention on our habits and values rather than on outcomes.
While all the deeper things in life can be experienced without any self reflection, the starting point for experiencing them consistently is to live with integrity. Integrity is when you live out of your values even when it is costly or no one is watching. When you notice you’ve made a mistake or failed to live out one of your values, you have the humility to recognise it, make corrections and apologise to anyone impacted if need be.
Do you want to be trusted? You can’t demand or conjure up trust, but you can reflect on how well you live out the values of reliability, consistency, and humility.
Do you want to be loved? Reflect on how well you show up for people around you. Are you vulnerable with others, do you actively listen and show interest in what others do and how they feel?
When you live with integrity, you are more likely to have more stable relationships, better self esteem, and greater life satisfaction. People naturally want to be around people with integrity.
“You do not become a great leader by seeking to be a leader. You become an effective leader by living out of the strength of your character, by living what you believe. That kind of character produces credibility, and people follow people who are credible.”
- Walter C Wright
So you want to be happy? Start by reflecting on your values and then build habits that develop them and live them out.
There is much more to say about core values and living out of integrity and you’ll see it becoming a common theme on this blog as I continue to develop this as a platform for my coaching. To explore this with me, think about subscribing - its free and always will be!
An activity to reflect on your values:
Think of 3 or more defining moments in your life whether positive, negative, or in between.
What happened?
How did I feel?
What did I do or want to do?
What mattered most to me in that moment?
Was something I cared about being honoured—or violated?
Explore the list of values by James Clear, author of Atomic Habits: https://jamesclear.com/core-values (Feel free to use others!)
What values were central to your defining moments?
Define your values
What values turn up repeatedly? Can you identify 3-5 core values?
Reflect
What’s one step you could take this week to live more in line with one of your values?