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There is a Japanese practice called Kintsugi which creates beautiful things by repairing broken ceramics with a lacquer mixed with a metallic powder, most commonly gold. It is regularly used as an image of healing, that something beautiful can come out of what has been shattered.

In the past couple of years I've written a fair amount on the mess that is made when repentance is not visible in cases of injustice. Recently I've been pondering how the opportunity to apologise should be seen as a gift, not a threat. Someone being honest enough with you to say to you that you've made them uncomfortable or hurt them shows there is still enough of a relationship and trust that they've come to you. It may be hanging by a thread, and the relationship may not continue past the mess, but the opportunity is still just that, an opportunity to show your character, to learn more about yourself, and hopefully make something beautiful out of what has become broken.

How you apologise matters. Defensive postures and trying to give justification for your actions when someone says they are hurt makes things worse. Full stop. If someone says they're hurt or uncomfortable then that's how they feel, whether you think it's justified or not. A child may not have intended to knock their peer over but they are still taught to apologise, so why do we adults default to being children and still need to be taught this?

Be clear in your apology. One of the most memorable quotes from reading Brene Brown is “clarity is kindness”. Acknowledge their hurt and discomfort, say sorry for what you've done EVEN if you don't think they SHOULD be hurt or that it was not your intention. If you need to explain or clarify intent, find an opportunity to do that outside of the apology or even a later meeting.

Don't expect forgiveness and reconciliation. We hope for both when we apologise but it is not up to us who have wounded another to demand it. Forgiveness leading to reconciliation is beautiful but it isn't the only beautiful thing that can come from the mess. Expecting or demanding them can create further fractures, the wounded must be given time and space. This is difficult in a working relationship and further follow ups including meditation with a third party may help you navigate whether the working relationship can continue.

Learn about yourself. Spend time reflecting on how you caused hurt and discomfort. Did you cross personal boundaries? How did you feel when they said they were hurt? If you were defensive or feeling “hurt”about their honesty, check where that is coming from. How could you avoid causing hurt in future? Difficult conversations and conflict are necessary in relationships, but could it have been done in a more person-centric way? Were you focusing on an outcome you wanted rather than the relationship/person in front of you?

Don't obsess but refocus. When you've apologised, let your integrity and character and actions speak for themselves. A hurt person is looking more at your actions than your words. Put into action the needed changes you've recognised when reflecting and make that your focus, not their response to you. Whether they forgive you or not, that is out of your control. While the potential loss of a relationship is tough, especially if it's partly or mostly our fault, focusing on their response to you will likely end up with unhealthy expectations and making the loss of the relationship altogether more probable. Recognise your discomfort and let it motivate you to change/focus on behaviours and actions, not use more words.

To conclude, recognising you've hurt someone, especially if you are a self-reflective person, is uncomfortable and can often lead to feelings of being broken or shameful (a post on this will be developed later but for now, Brene Brown covers these well). I believe an appropriate apology and follow up actions showing change and repair lead to a repair of self even if not a repair of relationship. Focusing on the other's response can lead to further fractures, but focusing on your own actions, what I'll call healthy selfishness, will lead to more opportunities for the hurt party to regain trust that your apology is genuine.

Agree or disagree? More to add? I'd love to hear from you.

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Phil Duncalfe - Cross-Cultural Coaching

Mistakes as Opportunities